The Colbert Reportfolio -(formatting lost-in-time/space)

"Patience is a virtue - but that's only if you have to wait. Prepare for instant gratification - this is the Colbert Report!"


Colbert Limited Editions

The Colbert Reporthouse Edition - "F7ck hope. We need a plan." Never one to let a good crisis go to waste, Colbert has pounced on the opportunity to exploit the economic collapse to the full extent of the public's sanity. Despite record-setting profits, a page has been taken out of CNN's book and the entire state-of-the-art set is suddenly replaced with late 1990's grade CRT-monitor technology in conspicuous wooden cabinetry. Not realizing he synchronized his feigned goodwill-acquiring poverty just slightly out of phase with the actual real-world financial collapse (CNN has now re-upgraded), he decides to run with it anyway. During the time spent 'in that world' he adopts an entirely different 'Great Depression survivor' character with random stories about walking uphill both ways to everywhere and being forced to eat handfuls of wooden nickels he had accepted in payment for his entertainment and medicinal tonic sales on the boardwalk in between reminiscing about the "good ole days" of the roaring 20's before subprime mortgages existed. This option also brings up the opportunity to amusingly show 'grandfathered-in' turn-of-the-century Prescott Medical Serpent Oil Solutions for everything from PMS to 'battles with demon-like possession'. Stories of snipe hunting and witchcraft optional. "Why? Because it ain't illegal yet."

The Colbert Repenthouse Edition - "F7cking peasants and their cheap-assed sets." Either preceding or following the aforementioned 'poor house' edition, Colbert's worldview over-compensates by doing a complete 180 and basing his entire worth around material objects and branding. He pays way too much for everything then brags about how he pays too much to stimulate the economy. In a nod to CNN's semi-secret news set downgrade-then-upgrade during the recession, Colbert's state-of-the-art set suddenly returns with new and even more possibly needless but cool upgrades. Additionally his sense of worth now relies on the multi-million dollar advertising campaigns of all his name brand psychological materialist armor. If their branding takes a hit, so does he. During this phase, anytime the news or conversation on his show turns to something he doesn't particularly care for, he simply, immediately, and blatantly turns the conversation to his manifestations of material luxury. At the conclusion of an acceptable amount of use from this set, Stephen comes to the very frustrating realization that his happiness index seems to peak-out at "God's gift to television punditry". All the excess was pointless it seems. The set upgrades can then be 'spun off'' and/or removed to be reused or auctioned for charity/history. With the set gone the associated behaviors immediately wear off, though Stephen boldly defends his temporary 'arguably-too-rich' behavioral phase as 'investment class' work on his part. "Only one helicopter!??? What the f7ck?"

Random Possible Segment/Recurring Throwback Additions

Jesus Christ! Moments - Stories of encounters with reality that make one literally go "Jesus Christ!" or "Jesus F7cking Christ!" The degree of 'surprise' required to trigger that response varies, but is a real-life, real-time 'manifestation' of "Jesus Christ" literally out of nowhere. This segment is designed to establish and document a 'real-world' baseline of exactly when, why, and how people use that expression to draw attention to various events, and in doing so, create a new 'reality-based' lexicon of just where Jesus truly exists (or apparently might need to). Possibly an interactive TV audience piece. Viewers could be invited to take note of their 'real-world' crossings with that specific response to environmental stimuli (pricing, news, etc.) and have select ones re-created in sarcastic fashion. (like in the existing Colbert segment "Nailed 'em") Going a step further, 'social experiments' attempting to elicit such responses could be conducted 'in the field'. Specific further elaboration of hypothetical scenarios available upon request. Additionally have 'Oh my God!' and 'What the f7ck?' competitions.

The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?

Shoe Me - Colbert, having realized his existence is iconic enough to add value to clothing items merely by wearing them, now begins wearing a different pair of shoes to each remote city or location he broadcasts from. Mocking the stereotypical materialistic American woman's obsession with shoes, he begins a secret collection of these production-purchased-for-self souvenirs to one day be auctioned off for charity or what have you. The only side effect is he suddenly becomes conspicuously obsessed with what type of shoes figures in the news he is reporting on are wearing above and beyond what they are actually doing to be in the news.

Why the f7ck is this news again? - While trying to figure out the genesis of why some "real" news items are included with randomly mixed-in "fluffer" entertainment news, Colbert begins coming up with all kinds of advertising-dollar-based explanations of how completely unrelated news items are put next to each other. Involving wild and outrageous conspiracies with everything from TMZ to witchcraft, he always ends up tying them together in some insanely far-reaching and ridiculous way, but ultimately never quite finds the true answer to that initial question "Why the f7ck is this news again?"

Sports-related Temper Tantrum Challenge - Originally inspired by memories of my father throwing golf clubs following erroneous shots much to the amusement of all parties involved, this initially began as a 'Sports Equipment-tossing Top 7 List' but has now evolved to include 'any athlete attempting to make the Colbert Report merely by camera-worthy over-the-top expression of their passionate frustration'. In this design it essentially becomes a free-for-all excuse for people to submit clips from across the board, amateur to pro, golf to basketball - as long as the principle actor is setting a highly-questionable but hilarious-to-watch example. Colbert then references these clips to describe his internalized emotion in regard to other normal political news while simultaneously giving smartassed athletes a new and possibly legitimate humorous excuse for their "passionate outbursts". "The silver lining? At least I made the Colbert Report."

Diehard Vicarious-Performance-Based-Adrenaline-Rush Revolving Token Super Fan - Although not blessed with the free time to become remotely concerned with sports at the moment, Colbert has seen the immense fun others seem to be having with their 'fandom' from a distance and decides to attempt a Michael Jordan free-throw-line-launch onto that fan bandwagon of local-team-based crazy good times and drunkenness. Having a pre-existing completely neutral team affiliation complex, Colbert uses this to his advantage by merely adopting a different team to root for in diehard fashion every week. He selects random players for extremely unconventional reasons and then puts his full support behind a different one each week with only mild to all-consuming bi-polar side effects. Not one to take the act of watching other people play sports lightly, he even goes so far as to come up with new-and-improved token 'game spectating enhancement' traditions and rituals...although most end up being merely variations of the same thinly-veiled recipe for consuming mass quantities of alcohol and food during the specific time frame while deftly out-foxing crowd and line logistics. Beyond that he could use the random assortment of acquired team mascots for allegorical political commentary that week. Like "Better Know a District" but "Better Know a Random Sports Team's Political Euphemism Fairytale". An exercise in 'passionate random association' if you will.

Ceiling Cat Reality Intervention - It seems Ceiling Cat has now taken up ghost-like residence in the Colbert Report/Comedy Central studios and is reaking comedic havoc using virtually all forms of technology available. From the teleprompters to on-screen graphics, applause signs, and Colbert's producer-linked earpiece, the signs are everywhere, but usually only noticed after-the-fact several moments into a piece when we suddenly hear Ceiling Cat breakout into Bart Simpson-like prank call laughter or Colbert notices the obvious 'lolspeak' spelling typos on the teleprompter. Colbert becomes confused because it's increasingly hard to tell if what he's reading is real news or just a Ceiling Cat joke version, and additionally more confused because he also just started an "0 hai! - peas sey dis fawr mi" segment using lolcat pics in response to news items, buh ceelin kat sez he wuz runnin uh dwil dat vury same day... Translation: "Oh hey, please say this for me." and "...but Ceiling Cat says he was running a drill that very same day..."

Grocery Store Savings Club RFID-chip Super-deep Discount Pricing - Are you willing to get chipped in exchange for saving an additional 50% over our already-low everyday discount pricing? Remote social experiment setup potential.

Pet Personality Enhancement Accessories - For all those people that aren't celebrity-grade hilarious icons of American entertainment, now their pets can be for them. Where pet fashion meets technology and laughs like crazy. "0 hai-los" A hypothetcial line of cell phone remotely-controlled pet collars that allow your pet to respond to you using Stephen's pre-recorded voice and quips. Not only that, to make sure no one misuses the power of such globally-redefining technology, the NSA has joined with PETA to voluntarily keep a log of all communication made with your pet, and with the additional RFID-based accessories and upgrades, all the communications your pet makes in response. Other star options and an entire world of linked and unlinked designs and accessories are also easily possible.

Which f7cking America do you live in? - Now every time highly-questionable quotes popup from random figures in the media, Colbert can watch them quietly and intently as if processing all the information being presented while putting the pieces together into a logical picture of something he understands - which elicits the same response every time - "Which f7cking America do you live in?"

Colbert Puppeteer Spoiler Alert - Show all "questionable" pundit clips in a cardboard box graphic frame with puppet strings held by the CEOs of each respective umbrella corporation. Decorate as-desired like *Truman's box/castle. Add quotes from the annual stockholder/corporate performance reports scrolled across the bottom of the screen in-sync with their narrative, for literal 'performance design-based' reference. InfoGraphics with a smirk if you will. *Truman is a puppet-like tiger character I dreamt up and fleshed-out to the point he/it almost needs a show of his own. However at the moment there is only one raw 5 minute video sketch of his existence on my blog at DamnNearGeni.us It speaks for itself, but, like this writing sample, only shows a random and small fraction of the entire 'make-believe empire'. What has Colbert, cats, and similarly-sized boxes without the extra FB link first? http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/313483/june-22-2010/usa-board-of-ophthalmological-freedom

Overly Dramatic Exits...to Commercial Breaks - Stephen learns from a "daytime" writer he is supposed to be "building suspense" going into commercial breaks to retain audience interest. Although pretty sure this only applies to shows with "non-all-ecompassing-God-like-presence", he decides to give it a shot anyway. In this attempt, rather than just end segments where and how he would normally, he starts throwing-in absurd twists and cliffhangers - - - that always just turn out to be nightmares or a dreams on the other side of the commercial break. Stephen adapts to this new high-suspense style almost too quickly and is gets dangerously good at it...until finding out he literally had zer0 problem with commercial break audience retention in the first place. When he then realizes his additional 'shock and awe-like' false suspense-adding tactics might just be annoying his already-loyal audience, he decides to make the best of it by using his newfound 'DNG-style' (Dramatic Nonsense-Generating) to sarcastically try and acquire previously untouched audiences be they from TMZ, Showbiz Tonight, The View, whatever. With his new, experimental, high-suspense, 'dumbed-down' but 'fluffed-up' writing format (that week or two), he goes on an all-out media blitz for no reason except to get in the news just to get in the news while his show is temporarily-formatted in a way 'even the small people should appreciate'. Multiple other tie-ins.

Colbert's Clear, Intentional, Professional, Self-retardation Initiative - Colbert has received the disturbing news his audience is above-average in intelligence and education. This brings him to the unsettling realization his entire show, platform, and possibly very existence itself is relatively condescending by default and thereby politically incorrect from the start. Accordingly, not one to play by a different set of rules, he must somehow adjust the content of his show closer to the 'median' American demographic to try and adapt to the 'pretend/hypothetical' scenario he assumes most other audience-rating-based television show writers face while aiming for 'that fat part' of the America target demographic. (shown as a bell curve generated by following the contour of an extremely fat person lying on their back...but with the chart axes titled in "I.Q." v. "Population") Poor Stephen starts trying to 'dumb down' his show any way he can from talking slower to just adding half-naked models and shiny things at random. Results vary. Can you hear me now ? ? ? In becoming increasingly frustrated trying to employ techniques that seem to only work on the rest of the huddled masses at the expense of his art, as an alternative he eventually opts to start simply explaining how the show and entire industry works as if to a child. ...using fairytale-like allegories to describe an advertiser-fueled business-centric religion that worships ratings as it gloriously sacrifices the human condition. And they all spent their top-ratings-earned fortunes happily ever after...

Existing Segment Examples

Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
Preemptive Retroactive Possibly Redundant Plan B++ - Allow me to introduce the latest in Prescott Pharmaceutical’s perfectly fine line of pregnancy prevention slightly post-prophylactic products - the Plan B++- Pill. "Because it’s better to avoid destroying several lives at once later than not at all." The same as the Plan B pill, but with a whole lot more scary and sincere advertising. Like Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston in a high school time machine that could see into the future before they ever fell in whatever that was... "Plan B ++- Better than being fathered by a horny teenage douchebag turned national embarrassment gracing the cover of Playgirl right out of the Alaskan wilderness from which he cameth onto our sacred American national political stage." (at the end of the segment insert the shot of Palin’s daughter licking her hand and combing an imaginary baby’s hair or a recreation of Stephen having a female assistant comb his) Possibly tie it in with a cross promotion for his Prescott Pharmaceutical's 'Special Edition Man Seed' available only to post 30-year-old, stable, career-oriented, psychiatrist-evaluated women and his 'Prescott Pharmaceutical's Magic Night Pro Tem Teen Sterilization Vacation Packages'.

The Craziest F7cking Shit I Ever Heard?
Suing the Gold Man Sacks Off America’s Collective Forehead

Difference Makers
The Token Unretouchables In light of Hollywood and the “mainstream media’s” continued obsession with fake beauty and the real money and fake friends it can acquire, Stephen has decided to take a stand and give credit where credit is due to that handful of celebrity stalwarts willing to go naked, without make-up and unretouched, in front of their adoring audiences. Stephen then breaks down all the pros and cons of the recent ‘rash’ of honesty caused by Jessica Simpson, Britney, and even Kim Kardashian posing in attention-getting far-more-honest-and-natural-than-usual-but-still-ultimately-fake-as-hell-in-motive magazine spreads. Stephen does his part by having the segment hosted by three ‘all-natural’ supermodels…or at least as much as he can show of them and still remain on cable.

"Necessity is the mother of invention, hey, don't suppose anyone has a non-dysfunctional government handy? - that was the Colbert Report!"


And the List Goes On...
I have hundreds of them. Practically an entire few shows worth. What I seek is a directly collaborative position amongst a team of like-minded and/or mentor-like colleagues/teachers.

THANK U4 your consideration.

The Real-time Colbert Reportfolio - Mullet Jihad '10

The whole thing? Yeah right. Like such a thing exists. But what does exist is my A.D.D., random association, and ability to apparently write what I could delusionally try to sell as apex-grade political satire based on one thought from one tweet? Sure. Why not.

So it all began this morning when I was sidetracked by my Twitter stream as usual. The Alyona Show posted a link about some men's hairstyles that had been banned in Iran but the link in the tweet wasn't actually linked to that story. I quickly gave up (not being all-that-concerned about the story enough to hunt it down in depth) but noticed @anniecolbert tweeted that Iran had banned mullets causing 'Achy Breaky Heart' to get stuck in her head, and apparently that was all I needed to spark my political satire writing practice for today.

First, that story reminded me of this specific entry from the portfolio I wrote several weeks ago:

The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?

(facepalm)

And from that I decided I needed some practice writing a monologue from scratch...

So, I did. Here it is. Unrewritten. Unretouched. Highly questionable as usual.

I would like to pre-apologize to Disney for bringing Miley and the Mickey Mouse ears and cardboard cutouts into it...but I think I was trying to make a point that reflects on American mainstream role modeling in the grand (OMG Lilo is getting 90 days just for being like her friends?) scheme of things.

Love you Disney!!! X0X0X0X

- A -

-------

Colbert Miraculous Recovery

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Hello Nation!

Glad to be back. Glad to be back.

Now you may have noticed that just yesterday I was bathrobe, slippers, and na-naw’ blanket-bound sick and contagious in ways that had me forgetting to put the Gatorade logo on the plastic cup along with conspicuously mentioning their name.

So here. Let me take care of that real quick.

(Pulls out an orange lighting bolt decal and affixes to his cup and takes a sip.)

I know. I know. They are using the G now or whatever - but I’m old school.

Gatorade - ride the lightning! The electrolytning!

(studio lights flash and thunder rumbles underscoring Colbert’s improvised product tagline in storm-like fashion)

They can just give me creative credit for making that up whenever.

You’re welcome.

Now that we got that out of the way...

Nation! There is terrible news in global politics to report.

Yes, those crazy Iranians be are it again, but this time they might be onto something.

No, I’m not talking about that one time at band camp when they sent around the prank email comparing the wearing of berkas to the failures of America’s war on drugs policy.

That was a fluke.

Sex only acts like a drug when it is seen by the mind as a drug.

That's what Hugh Grant told me.

Then again I'm not 100% I trust his judgment.

To put Devine Brown in the same world as Elizabeth Hurley is what you call a terrorist act if not crime against humanity in my book.

But who am I to judge?

Now, just prior to that tangent I was about to discuss those crafty Persian Cats hanging out in the sandbox and their recently announced Holy war on mullets.

Yes, I said Holy war on mullets!



(The random mesmerizing beautiful girl from a few months ago walks across the stage in front of Stephen. Colbert completely ignores the graphic and the entire show stops while his gaze follows her all the way across the stage. When she is out of his sight he suddenly snaps back.)

Whew!

(Shaking his head as if waking up or shaking a curse.)

Sorry nation. I apologize. I have no idea what just came over me.

Where was I?

Jimmy! Can you go find her and have her walk across the stage again and then make sure that doesn’t happen again?

We’re trying to do a show here.

So nation, blah, blah, blah those crazy f7cking Iranians and their primitive solutions to being human have now decided simply outlawing that Universal symbol of sexiness that is the mullet is the best solution to increasing pressure from the White House regarding the question marks behind their nuclear program.

Oh, sure, blame Billy Ray.

Brilliant!

Like he's the one to answer for Miley’s supple underage gluteus maximus rubbing on some gay dude at a party.



I mean really Iran?

The mullet?

You're going to take out your pent up American "the great satan" global imperialist nuclear restriction frustrations on the mullet?

If that's to blame why not go ahead and attack the New Kids on the Block for making rat tails cool in the late 80's and early 90's and ban them too?

Do your research first. They make mullets look high-class.

Oh. They banned those too?

Well... Good.

I guess that's what I get for writing this entire missive only having read a second hand tweet that condensed whatever policies the Iranian government has designed for men’s hair styling down to that one line about outlawing the mullet.

But we're already halfway there, so...

You think banning the mullet is going to solve the problems the mullet is merely a symbol of?

Which came first - the mullet or getting famous via peopleofwalmart.com?

Wrong. No breeding licenses.

No breeding licenses. That's what came first.

Just something to think about. I'm not making this sh7t up. It's a historical fact.

Besides, if sex is the problem in light of larger cultural concerns, is it really time to start taking authoritative hairstyle advice from tribunals of men whose choice 7 days out of the week when not in the shower or pool is: towel?



Although I will give them points for authoritarian administration of authority.

Between this and that convenient Twitter outage a few months ago during that whole little revolution thing you can tell they definitely have their theocratic stormtroopers lined up.

How did that whole revolution thing turn out anyway?

Sorry, I totally got distracted and forgot when Tiger Woods crashed into Elin's 9 iron then into that tree.

How'd that turn out?

No. I meant Iran.

Well, they're obviously still there right?

Just without mullets?

Hey, they might have a point. Just because something exudes sexiness in its very existence to the point it becomes a drug-like curse on humanity is no reason to ban or cover it up.



Two words: Sterile ization

At least until we get them past Bristol Palin territory.

(Sexy girl walks back across the stage in front of Stephen completely covered in a berka. Stephen is not impressed whatsoever and looks at the cousin It stand-in with utter contempt it would have the audacity to interrupt his multiple-award-winning show.)

What the f7ck was that?

Jimmy! Don’t we have security here?

Can anyone or anything just get up and walk across the stage or what?

What the f7ck is this? Jerry Seinfeld's skybox?

Oh. That was THAT?

No wonder we have reason to be concerned about veils and the nuclear power they conceal.

You’re right Iran.

Good call. F7ck the mullets.

Not that I realized Iranian mullets were a problem to need addressing in the first place.

Hmmm... They might just have been hidden under the towels.

(Colbert reaches back to undo a rubber band that had been holding his mullet into a thin ponytail out of the camera’s sight and runs his fingers through the hair.)

We’ll be right back!

(Zoom out to reveal girl wearing the berka now with Mickey Mouse ears dancing provocatively Miley Cyrus-style on/against life-size cardboard cut-outs of Elton John, Perez Hilton, Liberace, and Adam Lambert to her daddy, Billy Ray’s, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’)



-------

I'll give it a 7. :/

They don't got puppet tiger?

O hai!

True genius.


...and he did not eated it.


- A -

Miss Me Yet?

Oooh the suspense and mystery...

But why in a town of 7,000 in WYoming?

Doesn't matter 'cause it made the *national news* in the names of comedy and that is worth the $100 or so it costs...right?

Sorry. Haven't made any blog posts (despite writing a few more epic interactive chapters on the Facebook) so I randomly figured this would suffice as a place holder.

Take the same ad, except replace his picture with mine and make it say 'Tell your Mom I said Hi!'.

That is all.

Carry on.

;)

- A -

P.S. What is up with the kids at RedEye? For my purposes all the historical associations with Yellow are irrelevant. In my lexicon it only means what I have stated it to mean - comedy and inspirational symbolism to make the best of any situation and focus - which is nothing derogatory towards any blanket stereotypes by any stretch.

P.P.S. And WTF is this? (rolls eyes)

The Awe(and then)some Choir.

Howdy Ya'll!

Have you met the Choir?

The Best F**cking News Team Ever.

Meet the Choir.

Now color-coordinated in wide-screen high-definition.

BOOM.

Love the use of Yellow+ on his new and improved set. :)

Complaints? Understandable on rare occasion.

Send them to the Choir. ;)

But remember, they're the best.

Epic potential.

Love it.

- A -

P.S. i can haz urned cheezburger now?

P.P.S. All I need is a door like Stephen has and I'm golden.

P.P.P.S. Happy Year 10!!! + Thanks for reading/watching!!!

The Twelve Days of Christmas

The Twelve Days of Christmas start with Christmas Day and finish with the eve of Epiphany on 5th January. The carol dates back to English origins in the sixteenth century although the music is reputed to be French. The first publication date for the carol was 1780. Each of The Twelve Days of Christmas has a religious significance and are symbolized following the lyrics of the carol. What do the twelve days signify?

In England (from 1558 to 1829), it was illegal for Catholics to practice any pieces of their faith in their homes or in public.

"The Twelve Days of Christmas" was written as a "catechism song" to assist young Catholics to learn the tenets of their faith without being obvious to the outside world, that it was of religious roots.... See More

The gifts mentioned in the song symbolize different teachings of Catholicism, and the giver of the gifts, "My true love," is God. The recipient of the presents refers anyone who has been baptized.

The symbols:
Partridge in a pear tree = Jesus
2 Turtle Doves = The Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens = Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds = the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings = The first Five Books of the Old Testament
6 Geese A-laying = the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming = the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit (the seven sacraments )
8 Maids A-milking = the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing = the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping = the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping = the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming = the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle's Creed

NOT! lol

Wow. I had no idea religion would try to jack things like that. Although it did give me some brilliant ideas.

(insert snopes)

http://www.snopes.com/holidays/christmas/music/12days.asp

Merry +mas!!!

They say the partridge represents Jesus feigning injury amongst other things. But then the entire currently widespread religious symbolism is disassembled DaVinci Code-style.

Well, at least disassembling things DaVinci Code-style creates a whole industry according to the TV.

;)

Merry Christmas Everyone!!!

- A -

I rest my case.

(from an extremely intelligent Facebook friend of mine, DK Matai)

Apparently cultural self-destruction isn't the only problem as I've been repeating like a broken record since you first met me. What's your plan cowboy?

Dear Friends,

When we examine the asymmetric threats facing humanity, it becomes clear that major challenges -- whether local, national or international -- are all tied together by the exponential function! A lack of appreciation for what exponential increase really means leads our society to be disastrously sluggish in acting on critical issues. Believe it or not, our great survival struggle -- manifest via Demographics, Energy and The End Game -- is about understanding the practical meaning and effects of the exponential function!

What is the Exponential Function?

Simply put, the exponential function means growing like this: 1, 2, 4, 8, 16 and 32. Doubling, doubling again and then doubling again and again. Everyone surely understands that? Yes, at a theoretical level, and No, at a practical level!

For example: suppose one agrees to eat one almond on the first day of the month, two almonds on the second, four almonds on the third, eight almonds on the fourth, and keeps doubling them every day. How long can one keep going? How long will a pound of almonds last? The first pound of almonds will be gone on the ninth day as one eats the remaining half of the pound. On the tenth, day one will eat a whole new pound of almonds. By the fifteenth day, one will be expected to eat 32 pounds of almonds! One will have to eat roughly one's own weight in almonds by the 17th day! On the 21st day the total will have risen to one ton, roughly the weight of a car; and by the end of the month, assuming a 30-day month, it will be 500 tons, or the weight of a ship!

Impact on Demographics

The human population of Earth reached 1 billion in 1804, 2 billion in 1927, 3 billion in 1959, 4 billion in 1974, 5 billion in late 1986 and 6 billion in late 1999. We are presently on the cusp of reaching 7 billion. Mexico, with a population of 107 million and a doubling time of 70 years, will, if it keeps that up, grow to 214 million in seven decades. That's nothing compared to Kenya, which has a doubling time of 26 years. If Kenya goes on growing at its present rate, in 70 years there will be roughly three Kenyans for every one today!

Impact on Energy Capacity and Consumption

Until the 1970s world oil consumption was growing at seven percent per year. That means doubling every ten years. The doubling time of anything growing exponentially is 70 divided by its annual growth rate — 70 divided by seven percent is a ten-year doubling time. Every ten years we used as much oil as we had used in all previous history. Every ten years we had to go out and discover as much oil as we had ever discovered before — and then, to keep going, discover twice that much in the next ten years. We didn't keep going after 1970 because we couldn't have. In 1973, there was an massive oil shock and that global economic crisis began to alter consumption behaviour. Since then, per capita oil consumption in the US -- which reached a peak in 1978 -- has fallen by 20 percent from that level. As a result, there's still plenty of oil around at present, but we've been burning it faster than we've been discovering it for 20 years now because of the arrival of China, India and other emerging countries as major consumers of oil alongside the G7 and other developed nations. It is well known that we have around a 1,000 years' worth of coal left. However, if we burn 7 percent more of it each year than the year before -- which we may well do, substituting it for the disappearing oil -- it will last just 60+ years, and it will bring on global climate chaos much faster than even the worst case scenario projections!

The End Game

One doesn't get much reaction time when problems grow exponentially and come closer to the end game. An old French riddle illustrates the point: Suppose one owns a pond on which a water lily is growing. The lily doubles in size each day. If the lily were allowed to grow unchecked, it would completely cover the pond in 30 days, choking off other forms of life in the water. For a long time the plant is almost invisible, and so one decides not to worry about cutting it back until it covers half the pond. On what day will that be? On the twenty-ninth day!

We are emitting carbon dioxide and several other greenhouse gases in the atmosphere exponentially. We are clearing tropical forest at an exponential rate. The human population is growing exponentially. Human energy use, human production of synthetic products, chemicals, deserts and rubbish are growing exponentially. Many national economies are growing exponentially in terms of x percent GDP growth per annum, and we cheer them on, although a worldwide economic growth rate of, say, 3.5 percent per year means another whole industrial world is added to this one in just two decades! We can't keep it up. If all interlocutors truly understood the consequences of exponential growth, we would have no differences of opinion, no conflicts of interest, within the one world united point-of-view!

Escape Velocity

The Key Question: How to build the escape velocity needed to break free from the current gravitational pull of influences that limit the capacities of leadership? Educate one and all on the practical relevance and power of the Exponential Function as it applies to Demographics, Energy and The End Game!

[ENDS]

We welcome your thoughts, observations and views. To reflect further on this, please respond within Twitter, Linked and Facebook's ATCA Open and related Socratic dialogue platform of HQR.

All the best


DK Matai

Chairman and Founder: mi2g.net, ATCA, The Philanthropia, HQR, @G140

To connect directly with:

. DK Matai: http://twitter.com/DKMatai

. Open HQR: http://twitter.com/OpenHQR

. ATCA Open: http://twitter.com/ATCAOpen

. @G140: http://twitter.com/G140

. mi2g: http://twitter.com/intunit

- ATCA, The Philanthropia, mi2g, HQR, @G140 --

This is an "ATCA Open, Philanthropia and HQR Socratic Dialogue."

The "ATCA Open" network on LinkedIn and Facebook is for professionals interested in ATCA's original global aims, working with ATCA step-by-step across the world, or developing tools supporting ATCA's objectives to build a better world.

The original ATCA -- Asymmetric Threats Contingency Alliance -- is a philanthropic expert initiative founded in 2001 to resolve complex global challenges through collective Socratic dialogue and joint executive action to build a wisdom based global economy. Adhering to the doctrine of non-violence, ATCA addresses asymmetric threats and social opportunities arising from climate chaos and the environment; radical poverty and microfinance; geo-politics and energy; organised crime & extremism; advanced technologies -- bio, info, nano, robo & AI; demographic skews and resource shortages; pandemics; financial systems and systemic risk; as well as transhumanism and ethics. Present membership of the original ATCA network is by invitation only and has over 5,000 distinguished members from over 120 countries: including 1,000 Parliamentarians; 1,500 Chairmen and CEOs of corporations; 1,000 Heads of NGOs; 750 Directors at Academic Centres of Excellence; 500 Inventors and Original thinkers; as well as 250 Editors-in-Chief of major media.

The Philanthropia, founded in 2005, brings together over 1,000 leading individual and private philanthropists, family offices, foundations, private banks, non-governmental organisations and specialist advisors to address complex global challenges such as countering climate chaos, reducing radical poverty and developing global leadership for the younger generation through the appliance of science and technology, leveraging acumen and finance, as well as encouraging collaboration with a strong commitment to ethics. Philanthropia emphasises multi-faith spiritual values: introspection, healthy living and ecology. Philanthropia Targets: Countering climate chaos and carbon neutrality; Eliminating radical poverty -- through micro-credit schemes, empowerment of women and more responsible capitalism; Leadership for the Younger Generation; and Corporate and social responsibility.

Acting Fast...

A rather interesting article from Dave @ rockyourday.com.

Figured I'd copy and paste it here for future reference. Not a whole lot new to report. Making progress in many directions. Occasionally taking note of it on the FB as usual.

Hope everyone is having great time making the world spin as usual.

:)

;)

- A -

How To Train Yourself To Be In The Mood You Want

When you have major changes going on in your life, or you’re just frustrated about where you are, it’s easy to get trapped in a cycle of depression, bad moods and frustration. I know, I’ve been there … and when I’m not careful, I still get there more than I want to.

But lately I’ve had a particularly hard time, as I make some major (positive) changes in my life. I hit these moments where I’m in a foul mood, or I’m just feeling paralyzed, and I’m just stuck. Sometimes I just stew in that and stay there, but sometimes I actually get intelligent and pull my way out of it.

I’m going to outline the framework that I’ve been using over the last 30 days to really get myself resourceful and motivated (and in a better mood) when I’m feeling stuck. Hopefully it will help you, too, and if you do I truly hope you’ll share it with others.

First Up: Using A Framework to Escape From Paralyzing Emotions

When we feel bad, it’s hard to “feel good” again. You can’t just wish yourself better, and when you’re in a stuck place, you don’t generally have the mental energy to pull out. Willpower doesn’t help, and “positive thinking” sure as hell doesn’t help. But falling back on a framework of steps does help, because we humans function well when we have a set of steps to follow.

The reason for this is that steps take the emotion out of our situation and give us direction to simply act. Duck and Cover. Stop, Drop, and Roll. When you know with certainty what to do next, you’re in a much stronger position to take action, even when you’re panicking. (And it doesn’t have to be words, either – just think of Lamaze breathing, which expectant mothers practice well ahead of time so they can slip back into it during the stress of labor.)

You can call these verbal step-by-step tools anchors if you want, because they’re ways to anchor your emotional state to a time where you knew what to do and you felt prepared. So I’m going to lay out a framework that you can use as your own anchor when you need to reset your mood, and while it’s seven steps long, it’s hella effective at getting the job done.

The seven steps form the acronym ACT FAST, and I picked that because I felt that it was a pretty empowering term as it forces you to presuppose you have a workable course of action. So let’s dive in.
A: AGREE With Yourself That You Don’t Want To Be In This Mood Right Now.

This seems hokey, but it’s important for this reason: Once you agree with yourself that this is not the right mood for you, you’re revoking permission to stew in your own juices and keep the “pity party” going. Think about it: When we’re mad, the thing we hate the most is when someone tries to cheer us up, because on some level we want to be mad and stay mad, or be depressed and stay depressed.

And that’s not always a bad thing. Maybe we want to stay sad because on some level we know we need to hang out in this mental state and really look at what’s making us sad, to really connect with it and deal with it instead of pretending it doesn’t exist. Maybe we want to stay mad because we’re not finished processing our emotions and figuring out what our situation means and what we’re going to do about it.

So don’t take this as me saying “man up and stop crying.” What I am saying is that at some point if you want to move forward in a functional way, and not feel paralyzed, you need to agree that this stage of emotion has to be finite, it has to come to an end so you can deal with the solution that the emotion demands of you. When you’re ready to deal with it, you agree with yourself that you’re ready to shift gears.

Let’s say you’ve lost your job and you’re freaking out about what to do. You could tell yourself something like, “Okay, I’m ready to stop being scared of this situation now.” Then you move on to the second step.
C: CLARIFY The Mood or Emotion You Want To Move Towards

Now that you’re ready to change, you need to make sure that you know where you’re headed so you have something you can focus on. It’s not enough to say “I just don’t want to feel this way anymore,” because then you’re still swimming in the Sea of What You Don’t Want. You need to have a focus.

It could be as simple as defining the mood you want to be in with a single word or two. Resourceful. Confident. Infectiously Happy. Stable. Calm. Controlled. Helpful. Pleasant. Civil. Generous. Whatever it is, you need to give it a name.

Then you combine it with the last thought, so you can tell yourself something like “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful.”

There’s nothing magical about these words, and again, it’s not positive thinking. This is all about creating something you can say to yourself to pull the emotion out of your mental state and focus on what you can do next and what you can influence.

When you start getting scattered and lose track of where you are, and you’re stressing, you can fall back on your statement: “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful.” You’re putting yourself back in control and you’re ready for the next step.
T: TAKE Responsibility For Taking Immediate Action.

Now that you know what you want to move away from and what you want to move towards, it’s time to face reality: It ain’t gonna happen unless you make it happen. You’re going to have to consciously accept responsibility for getting yourself in a better state.

This is a big deal, because it means that you‘re going to have to revoke permission to blame other people so you can do this. Note that I’m not saying that you’re absolving other people of blame – if someone just screwed you over, then they’re still at fault, and you don’t pretend that didn’t happen.

But focusing on that isn’t going to help you get to your desired emotional state. You have to take full responsibility for what thoughts you’re going to focus on and what attitudes you’re going to reinforce, because no one is going to do it. No one is coming to your rescue.

You want out of this emotion? You’re going to have to do it yourself. the good news is you totally can do it yourself, and we’re going to cover that in the next four steps so you can get there.

So now our statement to ourselves gets a little longer – it’s something like, “I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful, and I’m going to make that happen right now.”

We’re going to move into four questions right now, and you’ll need to memorize them so you can get yourself back on track instantly when you’re backsliding into the emotional state you don’t want to be in.
F: “What Would I Need To FOCUS On To Feel this Way?”

This question is a really empowering one, because it forces you to stop thinking about the things that are draining you and gets you to acknowledge that there are things you can focus on that will give you more mental and emotional energy.

When you ask yourself this question, you’re putting yourself on the spot – you’re saying, “Hey, if I wanted to feel resourceful (for this job loss example), what would I need to focus on?” You’re presupposing the answer is available to you rather than saying “How do I get out of this funk?”, which is an open ended question that invites an “I dunno …” response.

Think about it. If you were feeling resourceful in this job loss situation – imagine that you were for a second – what would you be focusing on in order to feel resourceful? Would you be thinking of all your contacts and references, about renewing old work relationships? Would you be taking stock of all the online job boards, or maybe sites like LinkedIn? Or would you be revisiting your skills and experience and seeing if another career would be more fun?

Ask yourself this question, and write down the answers. You’ll need that written note to look back on when the painful emotion you’re moving away from resurfaces. Have a written library of answers to this question and you can benefit from it when you’re feeling emotionally unable to conjure up answers later.

Sometimes the answer can be external as well. The first part of my career was spent in software testing, and that’s some boring stuff. It’s frustrating to test the same thing 100 times and not feel totally unmotivated. But I’d focus on something external – like the road trip I was going to take with this week’s pay – and that would keep me going.

In one case I was testing training Army courseware for avoiding/disarming landmines, and after the 1,000th retest I was so bored out of my skull I wanted to scream. But I told myself that if I focused on testing it until it was 100% ready, then it would save people’s lives in the field. Someone’s Dad would be coming home because they didn’t trip a landmine or trigger a roadside bomb. That didn’t make the job less boring, but it gave me a sense of purpose and a better emotional state.

So think: What would you have to focus on to move towards the mood you want? There’s always an answer. Find it and write it down.
A: “What Would I Need To ACT On To Feel The Way I Want To?”

Now that you’ve established what you need to focus on, you need to address what kinds of actions you need to take to build up that feeling. If you’re depressed and you want to feel happier, maybe you ask yourself, “How can I help 3 people today?” and you do something simple like send an encouraging email, or meet them for lunch, or just send $25 to a charity of your choice in someone else’s name.

Action is important because it’s extremely difficult to feel your way into a different way of behaving. You know this, or you wouldn’t be stuck in the first place. When you’re feeling scared or mad or depressed, you can’t just manufacture emotion to get yourself going.

But if you do something – if you take action – you can behave yourself into a different way of feeling. And it doesn’t have to be directly related to your own issue if that’s causing you friction. If you hate your life situation and you can’t figure out how to make it better, then focus on helping 5 other people feel better. Be an encourager, and that will help you pull out of that sense of depression. Trust me, it works, because it breaks your pattern of feeling helpless and connects you with other people.

But that’s just the start – it’s all well and good to take external actions to get your emotions jump-started, but you also need to get a sense of the actions you need to take relative to your own problems. In the FOCUS step you will probably come up with things you need to not only focus on, but actually do, and you need to make a list of those actions and start running with them.

Sometimes that’s hard to do – the motivation wanes – and that’s when you fall back on the FOCUS step again. It will help you get in a better frame of mind to take action.

Moving on, you’ll also need to ask yourself,
S: “What Would I Need To SURROUND Myself With To Feel The Way I Want To?”

This is an overlooked concept when it comes to mood change. Your surrounding environment plays a huge factor in your mood, and if you don’t consciously take control over it, you’re leaving power “on the table.” When you arrange your environment in ways that empower you, the chances of you keeping the mood you want to be in go through the roof.

Right now I’m writing this while listening to epic soundtrack music – I personally find that isolating my ears via headphones and keeping high-adventure music going keeps me focused and motivated. It’s hard to feel complacent when listening to instrumental tracks like “A Storm Is Coming” and “Rise of the Destroyers” are drowning your ears in epic symphonic goodness. :-)

I know that this kind of music helps me kick ass, but you’ll have your own environmental triggers. Maybe it’s classical music or R&B, or maybe it’s just the silence of an empty room (or noise-cancelling headphones). Maybe it’s a clean desk, or maybe it’s a desk littered with action figures and crazy stuff. Maybe it’s wearing your favorite hat, brewing a certain kind of coffee or lighting some incense.

It doesn’t matter what it is - it just matters that you become aware of it, and you leverage it to help create the emotional state you want. Whether it’s keeping the counters clean, making the bed, soaking in hot bath or cranking up Aerosmith, get a feel for what makes it easier to be in the moods you want to be in. Then make it easy to build that environment when you need it.

T: “What Would I Need To TELL Myself To Feel The Way I Want To?”

This is where it all comes together – the part where the rubber hits the road and you have to fight against the emotions you want to move away from. This is where the previous steps all kind of combine and you create this little script you can say to yourself, a litany of conscious choice, as it were, to recalibrate yourself when you’re struggling.

Maybe it’s something like this for the freaking-out-about-the-job-loss example:

“I’m ready to stop feeling scared and start feeling resourceful, and I’m going to make that happen right now. I’m going to focus on the resources I have, like the 50 past co-workers who can get me leads, the job boards online and the in-demand skills I can show on my resume. I have everything I need to make this crazy time less crazy and I know what to do next.

I’m going to make a plan for getting (or creating) the job I want and set aside 3 hours a day to take serious action. I’m going to neaten up my home office so I can think straight, and make it a relaxing place to work in the meantime.”

If you read this over and over again, what do you think would happen? Would you keep freaking out about your job? Or would you start feeling a little bit better?
Yeah, This Takes Some Work, But What The Hell Else Are You Doing?

Most people, if they’ve read this far, will say, “That’s too much work, Dave.” But seriously, if you’re paralyzed and feeling terrible, you have time on your hands already. You’re just using that time to stew in the emotion instead of making it finite and taking action. I know how it feels, I fight it all the time.

But this is a way out – or at least the beginning of the way out for you. And it’s easier than you think, because once you understand this process, 9 times out of 10 you won’t have to use all of it. You’ll just be sitting there stewing and say to yourself, “What would I have to focus on right now if I wanted to get my ass up and exercising?” or “What would I need to change about my surroundings right now to feel a little bit happier?” and that will be enough to get moving.

The quality of your life revolves around the quality of the questions you ask yourself on a minute-by-minute basis.

If you ask yourself, “Why me?” or “What can I possibly do?” you‘re going to be paralyzed.

If you ask yourself “What can I do next, from where I am, with what I have,” you’re going to put yourself in a position of strength.

Ask better questions. Train yourself to be the sculptor of your moods, rather than being tossed about by urgency and externalities you can’t control.

You can do it. I hope this helps.

My best to you,

Dave

PS – I think this article can help a ton of people. Please link to it and spread it on social media sites right now if you agree, even before you leave a comment.

Elvis is in the building.

So, let's see...where to begin after taking such an extended hiatus?

Yawn.

Seen any good politics lately? Only in your dreams?

I can relate, but there are some high points since last I reported from the front lines of my life experience...and here we go...

So, in typical true-to-life fashion, after much debate I allowed peer influence to affect me into jumping through the hoops to get a medical cannabis card. It's one of those things I'd pondered in the past, but I'd largely forgotten about it in the same way I had forgotten about the whole drug war/medical marijuana debate as it didn't seem to affect my life. Nonetheless, at some point I signed up for the national chapter of NORML's Facebook page. I presume as an indirect result, a few weeks ago I was randomly befriended by Cheryl Shuman. Cheryl is an exceptional lady who just happens to be in the process of opening a Beverly Hills chapter of NORML beyond her other unique business endeavors...and as such makes a very interesting Facebook neighbor. Given the compelling and understanding nature of her story and apparent caliber as a human being, suddenly the 'Great California Medical Marijuana Debate' was brought to my attention...

...with a different face and story...

...and a few weeks later...

...here we are.

Me writing again if nothing else... Right? Write? I'm trying...

So, there I was, there I was, there I was with my appointment set for today, October 29th at 1:30. Showed up. Filled-out paperwork. Walked down really long hall of unoccupied offices to a very straightforward Asian doctor. Without the specific note from my normal primary care doctor he only gave me a three month clearance, but when I have it faxed over or bring it by I'll have a full year of legal protection for my $150. I also see why it's called the 'green rush' as so many businesses are suffering while others are making fortunes as fast as they can write. I guess one doesn't truly appreciate how much doctors and the healthcare system make unless you see a very basic grassroots model like that in action. And they take Medicaid.

No worries though. This pseudo-legal version appears far superior to the way 'the game' is run on the street. The more intelligent, responsible people you associate with something, the better the results are most likely going to be.

(sidebar)

Judge Gray's Argument

You'll be pleased to know the legal option and experience seems not only fairly reasonable ('cept maybe the price$ ;), but far superior, convenient, and easy. Not only having options, but having 'experts' give you simple suggestions seems like a brilliant approach to self-medicating. It just backs up all the points I've been making, but at the same time I do realize the legal paradox regarding profit from such endeavors.

Granted, one must realize that profit is just forced back onto the street if the operation is shut down, but I do see how they could totally be operating as serious money trees...and how that kind of cash flow could be considered criminal because it's so easy...and in a non-profit? When profit is being poured on by God and the human condition alone as the doctor's office line testified? Totally normal, harmless, Jay-Z-NASCAR loving people though. But seriously. How's that for common ground? lol Jay Z. Nascar. That would make a great alias. Well, at least on the flip side I don't think the model is driving anyone to marijuana or dangerous behavior, and it might be significantly improving the lives of otherwise law-abiding perfectly harmless citizens trying to escape the pain of everything from cancer to the just possibly man-made recession-grade terror. Which is a positive impact on society as far as I can see.

While I'm on the subject I'd like to also officially thank Obama for his generalized blanket protection regarding this matter. The catalyst can be debated, but the realization is profound.

It's amazing the difference a token cakewalk can make in helping people help themselves. No seriously. Sometimes a little advice, direction, and encouragement can go a long way. Other times a simple recommendation will do. In this case, either way it seems to have worked out for the better. So, as Elvis would say - Thank ya very muuuch!

More undoubtedly to follow...

The rest of the nonsense parade has been on Facebook as usual. Off-line I'm still juggling career directions while dreaming up satirically epic campaigns of one sort or another. After putting it off for a few months I finally decided to sell Pepe the BMW and managed to do so immediately upon trying. My life is funny like that. I put some things off thinking they will be a huge ordeal...and then it takes me much less effort than expected to do it. Hmmm... Helped my sister put together her new store in Malibu since last I wrote as well. Interesting. I must say it looks pretty cool though. She's calling it bLank. She said I'm free to design stuff and sell it there if I like, so throw one more option on the table of things I could, would, should and might be doing if I get around to it.

Alright, I guess that's enough. It's totally annoying and boring talking about myself, but I figure this is the closest thing I have to a diary...and I may as well at least make Cliff Notes of where and what I've been up to here and there.

The political rhetoric you might typically expect from me is frustrated by the only apparent option of choosing between what I believe to be several non-working options...but maybe I'm wrong and Stephen Colbert's lines of satirical truth are too.

God help us.

Well, at least today I saw one thing working in an improved way and can now benefit from it. Hopefully you were as lucky.

:)

- A -

Oh damn...Halloween is on Saturday eh? Ha. I just had an idea... I could go as a Canadian. Because I found it humorous my old boss dressed as a Canadian when he traveled to avoid airport security scrutiny. Meh. Alright, guess you had to witness it. Coaster is going as an Obama Zombie. I could go as a Tea Bagger holding a sign telling people to 'inform' the zombie about how their political beliefs are superior...but a Canadian seems easier. Wait. Don't have a Canada shirt. Nevermind. Back to the drawing board... K. I'm done for now.

WTF mates?

End of Xe World

Carry on.

- A -

Auto-defaults.

So it occurred to me there I was on Facebook preaching and running out of room in the 'What's on your mind?' box, then I remembered I had a blog for just such purposes.

Hey, I go through phases. I wonder if God designed behavior to default into that 'cycle' to test a range of options? Like the evolution of trial and error until an acceptable level of success and happiness is achieved.

The crazy part is, if you give me a box and the internet I'm set.

That says something - because imagine if every person on Earth adopted that mindset simultaneously.

Anywho, so life finds me watching the Daily Show and bitching about politics...but only through the observation that I haven't been paying attention to politics because apparently it's upset me that much. :(

Here's what inspired this entry:

was just upset by the realization I've become so disappointed by the condition of the political system in America I've just started 'blocking it out'/ignoring it. It's not like it's in my job description right? I must be more disenchanted with the media than I thought because Obama gave an interview to all major networks - and I'm only learning of it from the Daily Show. Yeah, that's the condition of history in the world today. Actually, that is the one cool thing about technology - it records a level of 'reality' unprecedented in the course of human evolution. History probably won't be nearly as romantic from this point on, but much better. The depth of human history being recorded now is exponentially more vivid in POV detail, and in diagramming how human groups interact. I think I need a political psychiatrist - I seem to feel disenfranchised - ooooh that stupid government bailout. The key question is, where are people going to vent that?

Nevermind. I'll blog about it...

_________

Tah dah!

See, I'm a man of my word.

;)

Now Colbert is on and they're making 'the second coming of Jesus jokes'...

...which makes me think of lyrics even rappers wouldn't pull...

Yawn.

Anywho, I'll spare us. The Daily Show got an Emmy over the Colbert Report?

Well, it's a free country.

Although I love the 'feel free to call to apologize' skit.

Dear business people, if you're going to advertise your web address while being exposed on a show as powerful as the Colbert Report, make sure your servers are up to the challenge ahead of time.

Just a PSA for future reference.

Interpret things allegorically if you wish.

Alright kids...go back to bed America, your government is in control again...

'night!

:)

- A -

Bonus! Cool song from back in the day.

Bonus 2! Same song with a different mix and cooler video.

The Grapevine

Hello World!!!

Miss me?

I haven't written in awhile (thank you Captain Obvious)...errr...actually I have, I just haven't finished writing the entries and posting them so they are in the 'Drafts' folder with a whole bunch of other stuff...but anywho...

I've been back at the drawing board lately, but so far, so great... Instead of the TV route I'll be exploring the entrepreneurial route the next few months...so wish me luck!!!

Here is something one of my best friends from college, Alistair, just sent me. I presume he received it through the grapevine. Highly amusing to the point it makes me wonder what all my humorous thoughts would look like if I actually compiled them in one sheet...

Hmmm...well, perhaps one day.

Since I've apparently been too lazy/distracted to write lately, why not just cut and paste premium content until I get around to writing again?

And here it is...(random thoughts from the grapevine)

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.


Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.


I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?


Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.


I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.


The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.


Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.


There is a great need for sarcasm font.


Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f*** was going on when I first saw it.


I think everyone has a movie that they love so much; it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.


How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.


I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.


A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.


Was learning cursive really necessary?


Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".


I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.


My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.


Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".


How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?


I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!


While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.


MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.


Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.


Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


Bad decisions make good stories.


Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!


Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?


If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.


Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from; this shouldn't be a problem....


You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.


Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.


There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.


I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.


"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.


I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'


While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.


I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?


I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.


When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.


I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.


Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...


As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.


Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.


I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.


I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.


Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.


Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I’d bet my a$$ everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...


My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?


It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.


I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.


I think the freezer deserves a light as well.


I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.


The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.

________________

Additional cool/random stuff:

1.) Did you know Richard Branson is going to be in town next month? Sweet! One of my few role models! We won't have our business plan put together in time to submit it, but the conference looks cool nonetheless. Man, all I've ever dreamed of is creating a brand as successful as his... Well, it's never too late to start...

2.) If you have Facebook, check out this guy/group. And I only thought my plans to take over/save the world were something. George here has clearly put a lot of thought into something that even makes me go WTF? It is certainly quite impressive at any rate. If you don't have the Facebook, he is his blog: http://georgetbhua.blogspot.com/

3.) Save your life. If you happen to have the Facebook, then this is probably worth the $3 investment. Just calculate the amount of money this is worth in the context of your time/life invested. Feel free to tell you friends...but only the nice ones! ;) lol

4.) Additionally...nevermind, I'll save it for next time...

;)

Hope everyone has been having a wonderful life experience since we last spoke!

:)))

Carry on.

- A -