The Colbert Reportfolio -(formatting lost-in-time/space)

"Patience is a virtue - but that's only if you have to wait. Prepare for instant gratification - this is the Colbert Report!"


Colbert Limited Editions

The Colbert Reporthouse Edition - "F7ck hope. We need a plan." Never one to let a good crisis go to waste, Colbert has pounced on the opportunity to exploit the economic collapse to the full extent of the public's sanity. Despite record-setting profits, a page has been taken out of CNN's book and the entire state-of-the-art set is suddenly replaced with late 1990's grade CRT-monitor technology in conspicuous wooden cabinetry. Not realizing he synchronized his feigned goodwill-acquiring poverty just slightly out of phase with the actual real-world financial collapse (CNN has now re-upgraded), he decides to run with it anyway. During the time spent 'in that world' he adopts an entirely different 'Great Depression survivor' character with random stories about walking uphill both ways to everywhere and being forced to eat handfuls of wooden nickels he had accepted in payment for his entertainment and medicinal tonic sales on the boardwalk in between reminiscing about the "good ole days" of the roaring 20's before subprime mortgages existed. This option also brings up the opportunity to amusingly show 'grandfathered-in' turn-of-the-century Prescott Medical Serpent Oil Solutions for everything from PMS to 'battles with demon-like possession'. Stories of snipe hunting and witchcraft optional. "Why? Because it ain't illegal yet."

The Colbert Repenthouse Edition - "F7cking peasants and their cheap-assed sets." Either preceding or following the aforementioned 'poor house' edition, Colbert's worldview over-compensates by doing a complete 180 and basing his entire worth around material objects and branding. He pays way too much for everything then brags about how he pays too much to stimulate the economy. In a nod to CNN's semi-secret news set downgrade-then-upgrade during the recession, Colbert's state-of-the-art set suddenly returns with new and even more possibly needless but cool upgrades. Additionally his sense of worth now relies on the multi-million dollar advertising campaigns of all his name brand psychological materialist armor. If their branding takes a hit, so does he. During this phase, anytime the news or conversation on his show turns to something he doesn't particularly care for, he simply, immediately, and blatantly turns the conversation to his manifestations of material luxury. At the conclusion of an acceptable amount of use from this set, Stephen comes to the very frustrating realization that his happiness index seems to peak-out at "God's gift to television punditry". All the excess was pointless it seems. The set upgrades can then be 'spun off'' and/or removed to be reused or auctioned for charity/history. With the set gone the associated behaviors immediately wear off, though Stephen boldly defends his temporary 'arguably-too-rich' behavioral phase as 'investment class' work on his part. "Only one helicopter!??? What the f7ck?"

Random Possible Segment/Recurring Throwback Additions

Jesus Christ! Moments - Stories of encounters with reality that make one literally go "Jesus Christ!" or "Jesus F7cking Christ!" The degree of 'surprise' required to trigger that response varies, but is a real-life, real-time 'manifestation' of "Jesus Christ" literally out of nowhere. This segment is designed to establish and document a 'real-world' baseline of exactly when, why, and how people use that expression to draw attention to various events, and in doing so, create a new 'reality-based' lexicon of just where Jesus truly exists (or apparently might need to). Possibly an interactive TV audience piece. Viewers could be invited to take note of their 'real-world' crossings with that specific response to environmental stimuli (pricing, news, etc.) and have select ones re-created in sarcastic fashion. (like in the existing Colbert segment "Nailed 'em") Going a step further, 'social experiments' attempting to elicit such responses could be conducted 'in the field'. Specific further elaboration of hypothetical scenarios available upon request. Additionally have 'Oh my God!' and 'What the f7ck?' competitions.

The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?

Shoe Me - Colbert, having realized his existence is iconic enough to add value to clothing items merely by wearing them, now begins wearing a different pair of shoes to each remote city or location he broadcasts from. Mocking the stereotypical materialistic American woman's obsession with shoes, he begins a secret collection of these production-purchased-for-self souvenirs to one day be auctioned off for charity or what have you. The only side effect is he suddenly becomes conspicuously obsessed with what type of shoes figures in the news he is reporting on are wearing above and beyond what they are actually doing to be in the news.

Why the f7ck is this news again? - While trying to figure out the genesis of why some "real" news items are included with randomly mixed-in "fluffer" entertainment news, Colbert begins coming up with all kinds of advertising-dollar-based explanations of how completely unrelated news items are put next to each other. Involving wild and outrageous conspiracies with everything from TMZ to witchcraft, he always ends up tying them together in some insanely far-reaching and ridiculous way, but ultimately never quite finds the true answer to that initial question "Why the f7ck is this news again?"

Sports-related Temper Tantrum Challenge - Originally inspired by memories of my father throwing golf clubs following erroneous shots much to the amusement of all parties involved, this initially began as a 'Sports Equipment-tossing Top 7 List' but has now evolved to include 'any athlete attempting to make the Colbert Report merely by camera-worthy over-the-top expression of their passionate frustration'. In this design it essentially becomes a free-for-all excuse for people to submit clips from across the board, amateur to pro, golf to basketball - as long as the principle actor is setting a highly-questionable but hilarious-to-watch example. Colbert then references these clips to describe his internalized emotion in regard to other normal political news while simultaneously giving smartassed athletes a new and possibly legitimate humorous excuse for their "passionate outbursts". "The silver lining? At least I made the Colbert Report."

Diehard Vicarious-Performance-Based-Adrenaline-Rush Revolving Token Super Fan - Although not blessed with the free time to become remotely concerned with sports at the moment, Colbert has seen the immense fun others seem to be having with their 'fandom' from a distance and decides to attempt a Michael Jordan free-throw-line-launch onto that fan bandwagon of local-team-based crazy good times and drunkenness. Having a pre-existing completely neutral team affiliation complex, Colbert uses this to his advantage by merely adopting a different team to root for in diehard fashion every week. He selects random players for extremely unconventional reasons and then puts his full support behind a different one each week with only mild to all-consuming bi-polar side effects. Not one to take the act of watching other people play sports lightly, he even goes so far as to come up with new-and-improved token 'game spectating enhancement' traditions and rituals...although most end up being merely variations of the same thinly-veiled recipe for consuming mass quantities of alcohol and food during the specific time frame while deftly out-foxing crowd and line logistics. Beyond that he could use the random assortment of acquired team mascots for allegorical political commentary that week. Like "Better Know a District" but "Better Know a Random Sports Team's Political Euphemism Fairytale". An exercise in 'passionate random association' if you will.

Ceiling Cat Reality Intervention - It seems Ceiling Cat has now taken up ghost-like residence in the Colbert Report/Comedy Central studios and is reaking comedic havoc using virtually all forms of technology available. From the teleprompters to on-screen graphics, applause signs, and Colbert's producer-linked earpiece, the signs are everywhere, but usually only noticed after-the-fact several moments into a piece when we suddenly hear Ceiling Cat breakout into Bart Simpson-like prank call laughter or Colbert notices the obvious 'lolspeak' spelling typos on the teleprompter. Colbert becomes confused because it's increasingly hard to tell if what he's reading is real news or just a Ceiling Cat joke version, and additionally more confused because he also just started an "0 hai! - peas sey dis fawr mi" segment using lolcat pics in response to news items, buh ceelin kat sez he wuz runnin uh dwil dat vury same day... Translation: "Oh hey, please say this for me." and "...but Ceiling Cat says he was running a drill that very same day..."

Grocery Store Savings Club RFID-chip Super-deep Discount Pricing - Are you willing to get chipped in exchange for saving an additional 50% over our already-low everyday discount pricing? Remote social experiment setup potential.

Pet Personality Enhancement Accessories - For all those people that aren't celebrity-grade hilarious icons of American entertainment, now their pets can be for them. Where pet fashion meets technology and laughs like crazy. "0 hai-los" A hypothetcial line of cell phone remotely-controlled pet collars that allow your pet to respond to you using Stephen's pre-recorded voice and quips. Not only that, to make sure no one misuses the power of such globally-redefining technology, the NSA has joined with PETA to voluntarily keep a log of all communication made with your pet, and with the additional RFID-based accessories and upgrades, all the communications your pet makes in response. Other star options and an entire world of linked and unlinked designs and accessories are also easily possible.

Which f7cking America do you live in? - Now every time highly-questionable quotes popup from random figures in the media, Colbert can watch them quietly and intently as if processing all the information being presented while putting the pieces together into a logical picture of something he understands - which elicits the same response every time - "Which f7cking America do you live in?"

Colbert Puppeteer Spoiler Alert - Show all "questionable" pundit clips in a cardboard box graphic frame with puppet strings held by the CEOs of each respective umbrella corporation. Decorate as-desired like *Truman's box/castle. Add quotes from the annual stockholder/corporate performance reports scrolled across the bottom of the screen in-sync with their narrative, for literal 'performance design-based' reference. InfoGraphics with a smirk if you will. *Truman is a puppet-like tiger character I dreamt up and fleshed-out to the point he/it almost needs a show of his own. However at the moment there is only one raw 5 minute video sketch of his existence on my blog at DamnNearGeni.us It speaks for itself, but, like this writing sample, only shows a random and small fraction of the entire 'make-believe empire'. What has Colbert, cats, and similarly-sized boxes without the extra FB link first? http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/313483/june-22-2010/usa-board-of-ophthalmological-freedom

Overly Dramatic Exits...to Commercial Breaks - Stephen learns from a "daytime" writer he is supposed to be "building suspense" going into commercial breaks to retain audience interest. Although pretty sure this only applies to shows with "non-all-ecompassing-God-like-presence", he decides to give it a shot anyway. In this attempt, rather than just end segments where and how he would normally, he starts throwing-in absurd twists and cliffhangers - - - that always just turn out to be nightmares or a dreams on the other side of the commercial break. Stephen adapts to this new high-suspense style almost too quickly and is gets dangerously good at it...until finding out he literally had zer0 problem with commercial break audience retention in the first place. When he then realizes his additional 'shock and awe-like' false suspense-adding tactics might just be annoying his already-loyal audience, he decides to make the best of it by using his newfound 'DNG-style' (Dramatic Nonsense-Generating) to sarcastically try and acquire previously untouched audiences be they from TMZ, Showbiz Tonight, The View, whatever. With his new, experimental, high-suspense, 'dumbed-down' but 'fluffed-up' writing format (that week or two), he goes on an all-out media blitz for no reason except to get in the news just to get in the news while his show is temporarily-formatted in a way 'even the small people should appreciate'. Multiple other tie-ins.

Colbert's Clear, Intentional, Professional, Self-retardation Initiative - Colbert has received the disturbing news his audience is above-average in intelligence and education. This brings him to the unsettling realization his entire show, platform, and possibly very existence itself is relatively condescending by default and thereby politically incorrect from the start. Accordingly, not one to play by a different set of rules, he must somehow adjust the content of his show closer to the 'median' American demographic to try and adapt to the 'pretend/hypothetical' scenario he assumes most other audience-rating-based television show writers face while aiming for 'that fat part' of the America target demographic. (shown as a bell curve generated by following the contour of an extremely fat person lying on their back...but with the chart axes titled in "I.Q." v. "Population") Poor Stephen starts trying to 'dumb down' his show any way he can from talking slower to just adding half-naked models and shiny things at random. Results vary. Can you hear me now ? ? ? In becoming increasingly frustrated trying to employ techniques that seem to only work on the rest of the huddled masses at the expense of his art, as an alternative he eventually opts to start simply explaining how the show and entire industry works as if to a child. ...using fairytale-like allegories to describe an advertiser-fueled business-centric religion that worships ratings as it gloriously sacrifices the human condition. And they all spent their top-ratings-earned fortunes happily ever after...

Existing Segment Examples

Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
Preemptive Retroactive Possibly Redundant Plan B++ - Allow me to introduce the latest in Prescott Pharmaceutical’s perfectly fine line of pregnancy prevention slightly post-prophylactic products - the Plan B++- Pill. "Because it’s better to avoid destroying several lives at once later than not at all." The same as the Plan B pill, but with a whole lot more scary and sincere advertising. Like Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston in a high school time machine that could see into the future before they ever fell in whatever that was... "Plan B ++- Better than being fathered by a horny teenage douchebag turned national embarrassment gracing the cover of Playgirl right out of the Alaskan wilderness from which he cameth onto our sacred American national political stage." (at the end of the segment insert the shot of Palin’s daughter licking her hand and combing an imaginary baby’s hair or a recreation of Stephen having a female assistant comb his) Possibly tie it in with a cross promotion for his Prescott Pharmaceutical's 'Special Edition Man Seed' available only to post 30-year-old, stable, career-oriented, psychiatrist-evaluated women and his 'Prescott Pharmaceutical's Magic Night Pro Tem Teen Sterilization Vacation Packages'.

The Craziest F7cking Shit I Ever Heard?
Suing the Gold Man Sacks Off America’s Collective Forehead

Difference Makers
The Token Unretouchables In light of Hollywood and the “mainstream media’s” continued obsession with fake beauty and the real money and fake friends it can acquire, Stephen has decided to take a stand and give credit where credit is due to that handful of celebrity stalwarts willing to go naked, without make-up and unretouched, in front of their adoring audiences. Stephen then breaks down all the pros and cons of the recent ‘rash’ of honesty caused by Jessica Simpson, Britney, and even Kim Kardashian posing in attention-getting far-more-honest-and-natural-than-usual-but-still-ultimately-fake-as-hell-in-motive magazine spreads. Stephen does his part by having the segment hosted by three ‘all-natural’ supermodels…or at least as much as he can show of them and still remain on cable.

"Necessity is the mother of invention, hey, don't suppose anyone has a non-dysfunctional government handy? - that was the Colbert Report!"


And the List Goes On...
I have hundreds of them. Practically an entire few shows worth. What I seek is a directly collaborative position amongst a team of like-minded and/or mentor-like colleagues/teachers.

THANK U4 your consideration.

The Real-time Colbert Reportfolio - Mullet Jihad '10

The whole thing? Yeah right. Like such a thing exists. But what does exist is my A.D.D., random association, and ability to apparently write what I could delusionally try to sell as apex-grade political satire based on one thought from one tweet? Sure. Why not.

So it all began this morning when I was sidetracked by my Twitter stream as usual. The Alyona Show posted a link about some men's hairstyles that had been banned in Iran but the link in the tweet wasn't actually linked to that story. I quickly gave up (not being all-that-concerned about the story enough to hunt it down in depth) but noticed @anniecolbert tweeted that Iran had banned mullets causing 'Achy Breaky Heart' to get stuck in her head, and apparently that was all I needed to spark my political satire writing practice for today.

First, that story reminded me of this specific entry from the portfolio I wrote several weeks ago:

The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?

(facepalm)

And from that I decided I needed some practice writing a monologue from scratch...

So, I did. Here it is. Unrewritten. Unretouched. Highly questionable as usual.

I would like to pre-apologize to Disney for bringing Miley and the Mickey Mouse ears and cardboard cutouts into it...but I think I was trying to make a point that reflects on American mainstream role modeling in the grand (OMG Lilo is getting 90 days just for being like her friends?) scheme of things.

Love you Disney!!! X0X0X0X

- A -

-------

Colbert Miraculous Recovery

-------

Hello Nation!

Glad to be back. Glad to be back.

Now you may have noticed that just yesterday I was bathrobe, slippers, and na-naw’ blanket-bound sick and contagious in ways that had me forgetting to put the Gatorade logo on the plastic cup along with conspicuously mentioning their name.

So here. Let me take care of that real quick.

(Pulls out an orange lighting bolt decal and affixes to his cup and takes a sip.)

I know. I know. They are using the G now or whatever - but I’m old school.

Gatorade - ride the lightning! The electrolytning!

(studio lights flash and thunder rumbles underscoring Colbert’s improvised product tagline in storm-like fashion)

They can just give me creative credit for making that up whenever.

You’re welcome.

Now that we got that out of the way...

Nation! There is terrible news in global politics to report.

Yes, those crazy Iranians be are it again, but this time they might be onto something.

No, I’m not talking about that one time at band camp when they sent around the prank email comparing the wearing of berkas to the failures of America’s war on drugs policy.

That was a fluke.

Sex only acts like a drug when it is seen by the mind as a drug.

That's what Hugh Grant told me.

Then again I'm not 100% I trust his judgment.

To put Devine Brown in the same world as Elizabeth Hurley is what you call a terrorist act if not crime against humanity in my book.

But who am I to judge?

Now, just prior to that tangent I was about to discuss those crafty Persian Cats hanging out in the sandbox and their recently announced Holy war on mullets.

Yes, I said Holy war on mullets!



(The random mesmerizing beautiful girl from a few months ago walks across the stage in front of Stephen. Colbert completely ignores the graphic and the entire show stops while his gaze follows her all the way across the stage. When she is out of his sight he suddenly snaps back.)

Whew!

(Shaking his head as if waking up or shaking a curse.)

Sorry nation. I apologize. I have no idea what just came over me.

Where was I?

Jimmy! Can you go find her and have her walk across the stage again and then make sure that doesn’t happen again?

We’re trying to do a show here.

So nation, blah, blah, blah those crazy f7cking Iranians and their primitive solutions to being human have now decided simply outlawing that Universal symbol of sexiness that is the mullet is the best solution to increasing pressure from the White House regarding the question marks behind their nuclear program.

Oh, sure, blame Billy Ray.

Brilliant!

Like he's the one to answer for Miley’s supple underage gluteus maximus rubbing on some gay dude at a party.



I mean really Iran?

The mullet?

You're going to take out your pent up American "the great satan" global imperialist nuclear restriction frustrations on the mullet?

If that's to blame why not go ahead and attack the New Kids on the Block for making rat tails cool in the late 80's and early 90's and ban them too?

Do your research first. They make mullets look high-class.

Oh. They banned those too?

Well... Good.

I guess that's what I get for writing this entire missive only having read a second hand tweet that condensed whatever policies the Iranian government has designed for men’s hair styling down to that one line about outlawing the mullet.

But we're already halfway there, so...

You think banning the mullet is going to solve the problems the mullet is merely a symbol of?

Which came first - the mullet or getting famous via peopleofwalmart.com?

Wrong. No breeding licenses.

No breeding licenses. That's what came first.

Just something to think about. I'm not making this sh7t up. It's a historical fact.

Besides, if sex is the problem in light of larger cultural concerns, is it really time to start taking authoritative hairstyle advice from tribunals of men whose choice 7 days out of the week when not in the shower or pool is: towel?



Although I will give them points for authoritarian administration of authority.

Between this and that convenient Twitter outage a few months ago during that whole little revolution thing you can tell they definitely have their theocratic stormtroopers lined up.

How did that whole revolution thing turn out anyway?

Sorry, I totally got distracted and forgot when Tiger Woods crashed into Elin's 9 iron then into that tree.

How'd that turn out?

No. I meant Iran.

Well, they're obviously still there right?

Just without mullets?

Hey, they might have a point. Just because something exudes sexiness in its very existence to the point it becomes a drug-like curse on humanity is no reason to ban or cover it up.



Two words: Sterile ization

At least until we get them past Bristol Palin territory.

(Sexy girl walks back across the stage in front of Stephen completely covered in a berka. Stephen is not impressed whatsoever and looks at the cousin It stand-in with utter contempt it would have the audacity to interrupt his multiple-award-winning show.)

What the f7ck was that?

Jimmy! Don’t we have security here?

Can anyone or anything just get up and walk across the stage or what?

What the f7ck is this? Jerry Seinfeld's skybox?

Oh. That was THAT?

No wonder we have reason to be concerned about veils and the nuclear power they conceal.

You’re right Iran.

Good call. F7ck the mullets.

Not that I realized Iranian mullets were a problem to need addressing in the first place.

Hmmm... They might just have been hidden under the towels.

(Colbert reaches back to undo a rubber band that had been holding his mullet into a thin ponytail out of the camera’s sight and runs his fingers through the hair.)

We’ll be right back!

(Zoom out to reveal girl wearing the berka now with Mickey Mouse ears dancing provocatively Miley Cyrus-style on/against life-size cardboard cut-outs of Elton John, Perez Hilton, Liberace, and Adam Lambert to her daddy, Billy Ray’s, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’)



-------

I'll give it a 7. :/