So it all began this morning when I was sidetracked by my Twitter stream as usual. The Alyona Show posted a link about some men's hairstyles that had been banned in Iran but the link in the tweet wasn't actually linked to that story. I quickly gave up (not being all-that-concerned about the story enough to hunt it down in depth) but noticed @anniecolbert tweeted that Iran had banned mullets causing 'Achy Breaky Heart' to get stuck in her head, and apparently that was all I needed to spark my political satire writing practice for today.
First, that story reminded me of this specific entry from the portfolio I wrote several weeks ago:
The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?
And from that I decided I needed some practice writing a monologue from scratch...
So, I did. Here it is. Unrewritten. Unretouched. Highly questionable as usual.
I would like to pre-apologize to Disney for bringing Miley and the Mickey Mouse ears and cardboard cutouts into it...but I think I was trying to make a point that reflects on American mainstream role modeling in the grand (OMG Lilo is getting 90 days just for being like her friends?) scheme of things.
Love you Disney!!! X0X0X0X
- A -
Colbert Miraculous Recovery
Glad to be back. Glad to be back.
Now you may have noticed that just yesterday I was bathrobe, slippers, and na-naw’ blanket-bound sick and contagious in ways that had me forgetting to put the Gatorade logo on the plastic cup along with conspicuously mentioning their name.
So here. Let me take care of that real quick.
(Pulls out an orange lighting bolt decal and affixes to his cup and takes a sip.)
I know. I know. They are using the G now or whatever - but I’m old school.
Gatorade - ride the lightning! The electrolytning!
(studio lights flash and thunder rumbles underscoring Colbert’s improvised product tagline in storm-like fashion)
They can just give me creative credit for making that up whenever.
Now that we got that out of the way...
Nation! There is terrible news in global politics to report.
Yes, those crazy Iranians be are it again, but this time they might be onto something.
No, I’m not talking about that one time at band camp when they sent around the prank email comparing the wearing of berkas to the failures of America’s war on drugs policy.
That was a fluke.
Sex only acts like a drug when it is seen by the mind as a drug.
That's what Hugh Grant told me.
Then again I'm not 100% I trust his judgment.
To put Devine Brown in the same world as Elizabeth Hurley is what you call a terrorist act if not crime against humanity in my book.
But who am I to judge?
Now, just prior to that tangent I was about to discuss those crafty Persian Cats hanging out in the sandbox and their recently announced Holy war on mullets.
Yes, I said Holy war on mullets!
(The random mesmerizing beautiful girl from a few months ago walks across the stage in front of Stephen. Colbert completely ignores the graphic and the entire show stops while his gaze follows her all the way across the stage. When she is out of his sight he suddenly snaps back.)
(Shaking his head as if waking up or shaking a curse.)
Sorry nation. I apologize. I have no idea what just came over me.
Where was I?
Jimmy! Can you go find her and have her walk across the stage again and then make sure that doesn’t happen again?
We’re trying to do a show here.
So nation, blah, blah, blah those crazy f7cking Iranians and their primitive solutions to being human have now decided simply outlawing that Universal symbol of sexiness that is the mullet is the best solution to increasing pressure from the White House regarding the question marks behind their nuclear program.
Oh, sure, blame Billy Ray.
Like he's the one to answer for Miley’s supple underage gluteus maximus rubbing on some gay dude at a party.
I mean really Iran?
You're going to take out your pent up American "the great satan" global imperialist nuclear restriction frustrations on the mullet?
If that's to blame why not go ahead and attack the New Kids on the Block for making rat tails cool in the late 80's and early 90's and ban them too?
Do your research first. They make mullets look high-class.
Oh. They banned those too?
I guess that's what I get for writing this entire missive only having read a second hand tweet that condensed whatever policies the Iranian government has designed for men’s hair styling down to that one line about outlawing the mullet.
But we're already halfway there, so...
You think banning the mullet is going to solve the problems the mullet is merely a symbol of?
Which came first - the mullet or getting famous via peopleofwalmart.com?
Wrong. No breeding licenses.
No breeding licenses. That's what came first.
Just something to think about. I'm not making this sh7t up. It's a historical fact.
Besides, if sex is the problem in light of larger cultural concerns, is it really time to start taking authoritative hairstyle advice from tribunals of men whose choice 7 days out of the week when not in the shower or pool is: towel?
Although I will give them points for authoritarian administration of authority.
Between this and that convenient Twitter outage a few months ago during that whole little revolution thing you can tell they definitely have their theocratic stormtroopers lined up.
How did that whole revolution thing turn out anyway?
Sorry, I totally got distracted and forgot when Tiger Woods crashed into Elin's 9 iron then into that tree.
How'd that turn out?
No. I meant Iran.
Well, they're obviously still there right?
Just without mullets?
Hey, they might have a point. Just because something exudes sexiness in its very existence to the point it becomes a drug-like curse on humanity is no reason to ban or cover it up.
Two words: Sterile ization
At least until we get them past Bristol Palin territory.
(Sexy girl walks back across the stage in front of Stephen completely covered in a berka. Stephen is not impressed whatsoever and looks at the cousin It stand-in with utter contempt it would have the audacity to interrupt his multiple-award-winning show.)
What the f7ck was that?
Jimmy! Don’t we have security here?
Can anyone or anything just get up and walk across the stage or what?
What the f7ck is this? Jerry Seinfeld's skybox?
Oh. That was THAT?
No wonder we have reason to be concerned about veils and the nuclear power they conceal.
You’re right Iran.
Good call. F7ck the mullets.
Not that I realized Iranian mullets were a problem to need addressing in the first place.
Hmmm... They might just have been hidden under the towels.
(Colbert reaches back to undo a rubber band that had been holding his mullet into a thin ponytail out of the camera’s sight and runs his fingers through the hair.)
We’ll be right back!
(Zoom out to reveal girl wearing the berka now with Mickey Mouse ears dancing provocatively Miley Cyrus-style on/against life-size cardboard cut-outs of Elton John, Perez Hilton, Liberace, and Adam Lambert to her daddy, Billy Ray’s, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’)
I'll give it a 7. :/