Actually...OYR...Hmmm...That's strangely perfect...
Oh yes, where was I...
Oh yes, taking the 'random internet peer influence/advice' to use my imagination when watching movies that are in fact nothing but allegorical reflections of reality to begin with, suddenly leaving not only us, but the entire rest of the world floating in that same damn sphere of Disney-like imagination coupled with Preacher Billy-like motives, and not even existing in reality as the blod clearly states while STILL freaking busy lost at space camp trying to find SOuls I can trust beyond any of the insane behavior I've experienced from what happened when I first through the rescue flare leash into the sky back in 06 and starting making my lists and plans and requirements, so by the time your actually find reflections of the peer groups you, come to think of it, never even had in college while trying to 'save' waffle house waitresses only to have the horrific nightmare of beyond-worst-case-scenarios line-up where it turns out seemingly patently false or not-completely-equivalently apparent relationship dynamics in fact existed between my parents...leaving me somewhere in that 30 wake of WTF and Cynderella Complication Syndrome...but this is America...and I grew up in rural Texas...not LA...so I had to learn about some other things the hard way but still refused to ever give up on my Dreem or Myself because it's not like I have a choice, so a blah, blah, blah...
One minute it's "Hey believe in Star Wars, we already landed on the moon and apparently the entire world or at least space was upside down and in a vacuum since the 1940's anyway so whatever because what kind of role model or referenceis that to even begin from right", and the next it's "oh, blah, blah, blah" people saying whatever their brains are thinking or have gotten lost in while dreaming about Star Wars, and the meantime DWTS still exists and Jersey Shore is s still leaking into the minds of a considerable percentage of the programs of the whatevers they actually expect me to somehow want to save, but there seems to be some sort of weird Fight Club 'blanket/bubble of silence' going on around Justin Bieber and I think that explains why Lady Gaga is doing so well simply by burning the bodies and souls of poor hoomans that lie (or is it lay?) next to her and having encountered faaaaaar too many things like that that I never signed up for nor could have conceived existed, I think it's time we find some more better protective behavior standards and examples, because clearly the nightmares (and real-life blanketity blank gosh darn femme fatales) have affected me to the point that I hide behind the virtual examples of other blanks simple for the purpose of protecting myself from the status quo behavior influence when the people I first trusted with the gem only through the previous nightmare-grade cast back in it.
F7ck that. That is the social relativity I escaped to nothing from, and yet I'm clearly still not Master of the Universe yet, so the more better friends I have willing to break us all out of the insane vortex of having to sit there on stage watching what's his face perform 'crazy' with an orchestra of gosh darned storm troopers while being for to deny they exist to each single person as an individual bubble...
WTF?
Why is everything painted green?
What are we going to replace or at least upgrade Christmas with?
It's gotten to damn ridiculous.
Would someone please page Princess Leia and tell her to let me out of the damn simulator already?
In the past series of missions in it they f7cked up the programming model so bad it makes a mockery of the entire god damn system and seeming rightfully so.
Ain't that right R2?
Merry Star Wars-mas wreath - Holy Kaw!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Oh yes Dear... Where were we? Iron Man 2 Trailer (OFFICIAL)
WWW = teh interwebs!!!
That's Correct My Love said #KarynRRR
That's Correct My Love said #KarynRRR
Sir James - Special (Bingo Players Remix) Strictly Rhythm
Some Imagineering Required
Bingo!
This one is on my 'cool beat/melody but the lyrics could use some rewriting and improvement' list.
#w8aminute
Bingo!
This one is on my 'cool beat/melody but the lyrics could use some rewriting and improvement' list.
#w8aminute
Deadmau And Kaskade - I Remember
How can 0ne not remember that which is everywhere and most-importantly, programmed from the inside-out and outside-in at the same time?
- A! - finds it adorable and purrrfect that cats spell I 'Ai' in sync with the meme.
Speaking of me not having enough money to copyright the entire Empire of Designs already in play, we should all fall in love with a 'Solarized' version of reality by adopting a 'Solar Eyes' viewpoint from within. It's about saving and improving and fixing and everything more Right than less right unless/except by painful illustration of murky reflections to draw attention to the dynamics.
Sigh.
BUT...
w00t!!!
http://speckyboy.com/2009/07/09/50-beautiful-hdr-images-from-50-world-cities/
That Yellow Magic Lemonade is an Increasingly Useful and Powerful State of Mynd It Seems.
Like the Holy Seems exposing the centuries of misdesign left uncovered by these 80/20 sheep. Meh.
Technology can save us if we save ourselves from ourselves first. Thing about the impact of relative hooman programming with variosu 'warrior' mindsets given the state of technology BUT more importantly, Game-ReSolving Equations built Independent of all these other Hooman-Perception-Affecting role-dynamics.
blah.blah.blah
Yes. I know.
But while we're counting l
- A! - finds it adorable and purrrfect that cats spell I 'Ai' in sync with the meme.
Speaking of me not having enough money to copyright the entire Empire of Designs already in play, we should all fall in love with a 'Solarized' version of reality by adopting a 'Solar Eyes' viewpoint from within. It's about saving and improving and fixing and everything more Right than less right unless/except by painful illustration of murky reflections to draw attention to the dynamics.
Sigh.
BUT...
w00t!!!
http://speckyboy.com/2009/07/09/50-beautiful-hdr-images-from-50-world-cities/
That Yellow Magic Lemonade is an Increasingly Useful and Powerful State of Mynd It Seems.
Like the Holy Seems exposing the centuries of misdesign left uncovered by these 80/20 sheep. Meh.
Technology can save us if we save ourselves from ourselves first. Thing about the impact of relative hooman programming with variosu 'warrior' mindsets given the state of technology BUT more importantly, Game-ReSolving Equations built Independent of all these other Hooman-Perception-Affecting role-dynamics.
blah.blah.blah
Yes. I know.
But while we're counting l
Monday, November 15, 2010
+he 11.11 wha+???
Whoopsy. Did they do that?
So, for those of you, young and old, following or not-following along alike, the 'Awakening Code' (11:11) just so happened to land on my traumatic/dramatic exit and closure of my most recent writing/life-publishing platform on Facebook, and I'm sure the question anyone who cares should be left with is...
What? Why? ___?
As usual, with most things I do that are knowingly far-less-than-ideal, this was done in response to the ongoing torturous degree of psychological "light pollution" I had been patiently enduring since randomly opening the doors to my living 'virtual living room/office' , secret project and all, only to have waaaaay too much bad invite itself in along with the Good/neutral/random/test audience. That was totally not cool of the any/all secretive randoms that were handed a chance at using 'Solar Nuclear Power' to make the world a better place, and I feel bad about having to blindly turn off that entire couple years of my life recording project platform just in illustration of just the tip of what I had previously/was/is/am being subjected to on a 24/7 basis, but I figured taking a page out of the book of whatever negative psyops assholes had been using against me and using it to re-focus the rest of the circus on those sources of such discontent seemed like the only way to get the bullies to stop after soooo long.
They pushed me past the point of self-destroying something invaluably more valuable than them. Gee, why does that sound familiar?
Anywho. Still on the streets of Santa Monica. Several key family members and past circumstantial friends have been complete FAILS in their inclusion. Several people/Hoomans have been exceptional Good/Wins/Assets in the same project/program/test, and so goes the story.
Must find job and/or new/Better friends in real-life to help/hire/be-part-of this Ultimate thing I've created.
That is all.
- A! -
P.S. You know what? Just to be an even-bigger smartass earlier I decided to just start going by ^!^ as my initial. Why? Because I'm me to the power of exclamation mark to the power of nothing. And it looks like a cat's ears with an exclamation mark where it's mind/face goes. And - A! - was from Al which also looks like AI which could either be Al, the common denominator of all these virtual pen names, or AI, as in Artificial Intelligence and a creative take on the way in which my mind can see and oversee things in many ways others can't because of the varying degrees and depths and timing of codes and symbolism.
But of course it's several years if not decades in the making and all still written in random places about the interwebs, so in this interim 'transitional' multi-parallel-platform phase, just find me on Twitter for the time being as Alyn Alyx West, and from there when I eventually build 'Path-like Lego Brick Patterns of Personally Known/Character Trusted" Hoomans into the new virtual Facebook Castle/Palace, not only will it be pre-written and decorated, but in theory, far more Beautiful from a Warm/Invited/Friendly/Neighbor audience perspective instead of being caught up in all the annoying military/alphabet/spy/psyops nonsense that was intentionally hurting me and driving me grrr/hiss/grrr.
Sigh.
Damn hoomans...
BRB
So, for those of you, young and old, following or not-following along alike, the 'Awakening Code' (11:11) just so happened to land on my traumatic/dramatic exit and closure of my most recent writing/life-publishing platform on Facebook, and I'm sure the question anyone who cares should be left with is...
What? Why? ___?
As usual, with most things I do that are knowingly far-less-than-ideal, this was done in response to the ongoing torturous degree of psychological "light pollution" I had been patiently enduring since randomly opening the doors to my living 'virtual living room/office' , secret project and all, only to have waaaaay too much bad invite itself in along with the Good/neutral/random/test audience. That was totally not cool of the any/all secretive randoms that were handed a chance at using 'Solar Nuclear Power' to make the world a better place, and I feel bad about having to blindly turn off that entire couple years of my life recording project platform just in illustration of just the tip of what I had previously/was/is/am being subjected to on a 24/7 basis, but I figured taking a page out of the book of whatever negative psyops assholes had been using against me and using it to re-focus the rest of the circus on those sources of such discontent seemed like the only way to get the bullies to stop after soooo long.
They pushed me past the point of self-destroying something invaluably more valuable than them. Gee, why does that sound familiar?
Anywho. Still on the streets of Santa Monica. Several key family members and past circumstantial friends have been complete FAILS in their inclusion. Several people/Hoomans have been exceptional Good/Wins/Assets in the same project/program/test, and so goes the story.
Must find job and/or new/Better friends in real-life to help/hire/be-part-of this Ultimate thing I've created.
That is all.
- A! -
P.S. You know what? Just to be an even-bigger smartass earlier I decided to just start going by ^!^ as my initial. Why? Because I'm me to the power of exclamation mark to the power of nothing. And it looks like a cat's ears with an exclamation mark where it's mind/face goes. And - A! - was from Al which also looks like AI which could either be Al, the common denominator of all these virtual pen names, or AI, as in Artificial Intelligence and a creative take on the way in which my mind can see and oversee things in many ways others can't because of the varying degrees and depths and timing of codes and symbolism.
But of course it's several years if not decades in the making and all still written in random places about the interwebs, so in this interim 'transitional' multi-parallel-platform phase, just find me on Twitter for the time being as Alyn Alyx West, and from there when I eventually build 'Path-like Lego Brick Patterns of Personally Known/Character Trusted" Hoomans into the new virtual Facebook Castle/Palace, not only will it be pre-written and decorated, but in theory, far more Beautiful from a Warm/Invited/Friendly/Neighbor audience perspective instead of being caught up in all the annoying military/alphabet/spy/psyops nonsense that was intentionally hurting me and driving me grrr/hiss/grrr.
Sigh.
Damn hoomans...
BRB
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Hello (again) World!
Welcome (back) to the nonsense parade.
I know we're all busy, and it's a looooong story, but the moral to it is "what you don't yet know can and will save and sometimes simultaneously entertain the living hell out of you".
Or something like that.
So ignore this blog. Find the Facebook at the badge. And then just observe quietly until you start to understand what's going on from the myriad of different storylines a characters/plots at work.
That is all.
Carry on.
- A! -
I know we're all busy, and it's a looooong story, but the moral to it is "what you don't yet know can and will save and sometimes simultaneously entertain the living hell out of you".
Or something like that.
So ignore this blog. Find the Facebook at the badge. And then just observe quietly until you start to understand what's going on from the myriad of different storylines a characters/plots at work.
That is all.
Carry on.
- A! -
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
The Colbert Reportfolio -(formatting lost-in-time/space)
"Patience is a virtue - but that's only if you have to wait. Prepare for instant gratification - this is the Colbert Report!"
Colbert Limited Editions
The Colbert Reporthouse Edition - "F7ck hope. We need a plan." Never one to let a good crisis go to waste, Colbert has pounced on the opportunity to exploit the economic collapse to the full extent of the public's sanity. Despite record-setting profits, a page has been taken out of CNN's book and the entire state-of-the-art set is suddenly replaced with late 1990's grade CRT-monitor technology in conspicuous wooden cabinetry. Not realizing he synchronized his feigned goodwill-acquiring poverty just slightly out of phase with the actual real-world financial collapse (CNN has now re-upgraded), he decides to run with it anyway. During the time spent 'in that world' he adopts an entirely different 'Great Depression survivor' character with random stories about walking uphill both ways to everywhere and being forced to eat handfuls of wooden nickels he had accepted in payment for his entertainment and medicinal tonic sales on the boardwalk in between reminiscing about the "good ole days" of the roaring 20's before subprime mortgages existed. This option also brings up the opportunity to amusingly show 'grandfathered-in' turn-of-the-century Prescott Medical Serpent Oil Solutions for everything from PMS to 'battles with demon-like possession'. Stories of snipe hunting and witchcraft optional. "Why? Because it ain't illegal yet."
The Colbert Repenthouse Edition - "F7cking peasants and their cheap-assed sets." Either preceding or following the aforementioned 'poor house' edition, Colbert's worldview over-compensates by doing a complete 180 and basing his entire worth around material objects and branding. He pays way too much for everything then brags about how he pays too much to stimulate the economy. In a nod to CNN's semi-secret news set downgrade-then-upgrade during the recession, Colbert's state-of-the-art set suddenly returns with new and even more possibly needless but cool upgrades. Additionally his sense of worth now relies on the multi-million dollar advertising campaigns of all his name brand psychological materialist armor. If their branding takes a hit, so does he. During this phase, anytime the news or conversation on his show turns to something he doesn't particularly care for, he simply, immediately, and blatantly turns the conversation to his manifestations of material luxury. At the conclusion of an acceptable amount of use from this set, Stephen comes to the very frustrating realization that his happiness index seems to peak-out at "God's gift to television punditry". All the excess was pointless it seems. The set upgrades can then be 'spun off'' and/or removed to be reused or auctioned for charity/history. With the set gone the associated behaviors immediately wear off, though Stephen boldly defends his temporary 'arguably-too-rich' behavioral phase as 'investment class' work on his part. "Only one helicopter!??? What the f7ck?"
Random Possible Segment/Recurring Throwback Additions
Jesus Christ! Moments - Stories of encounters with reality that make one literally go "Jesus Christ!" or "Jesus F7cking Christ!" The degree of 'surprise' required to trigger that response varies, but is a real-life, real-time 'manifestation' of "Jesus Christ" literally out of nowhere. This segment is designed to establish and document a 'real-world' baseline of exactly when, why, and how people use that expression to draw attention to various events, and in doing so, create a new 'reality-based' lexicon of just where Jesus truly exists (or apparently might need to). Possibly an interactive TV audience piece. Viewers could be invited to take note of their 'real-world' crossings with that specific response to environmental stimuli (pricing, news, etc.) and have select ones re-created in sarcastic fashion. (like in the existing Colbert segment "Nailed 'em") Going a step further, 'social experiments' attempting to elicit such responses could be conducted 'in the field'. Specific further elaboration of hypothetical scenarios available upon request. Additionally have 'Oh my God!' and 'What the f7ck?' competitions.
The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?
Shoe Me - Colbert, having realized his existence is iconic enough to add value to clothing items merely by wearing them, now begins wearing a different pair of shoes to each remote city or location he broadcasts from. Mocking the stereotypical materialistic American woman's obsession with shoes, he begins a secret collection of these production-purchased-for-self souvenirs to one day be auctioned off for charity or what have you. The only side effect is he suddenly becomes conspicuously obsessed with what type of shoes figures in the news he is reporting on are wearing above and beyond what they are actually doing to be in the news.
Why the f7ck is this news again? - While trying to figure out the genesis of why some "real" news items are included with randomly mixed-in "fluffer" entertainment news, Colbert begins coming up with all kinds of advertising-dollar-based explanations of how completely unrelated news items are put next to each other. Involving wild and outrageous conspiracies with everything from TMZ to witchcraft, he always ends up tying them together in some insanely far-reaching and ridiculous way, but ultimately never quite finds the true answer to that initial question "Why the f7ck is this news again?"
Sports-related Temper Tantrum Challenge - Originally inspired by memories of my father throwing golf clubs following erroneous shots much to the amusement of all parties involved, this initially began as a 'Sports Equipment-tossing Top 7 List' but has now evolved to include 'any athlete attempting to make the Colbert Report merely by camera-worthy over-the-top expression of their passionate frustration'. In this design it essentially becomes a free-for-all excuse for people to submit clips from across the board, amateur to pro, golf to basketball - as long as the principle actor is setting a highly-questionable but hilarious-to-watch example. Colbert then references these clips to describe his internalized emotion in regard to other normal political news while simultaneously giving smartassed athletes a new and possibly legitimate humorous excuse for their "passionate outbursts". "The silver lining? At least I made the Colbert Report."
Diehard Vicarious-Performance-Based-Adrenaline-Rush Revolving Token Super Fan - Although not blessed with the free time to become remotely concerned with sports at the moment, Colbert has seen the immense fun others seem to be having with their 'fandom' from a distance and decides to attempt a Michael Jordan free-throw-line-launch onto that fan bandwagon of local-team-based crazy good times and drunkenness. Having a pre-existing completely neutral team affiliation complex, Colbert uses this to his advantage by merely adopting a different team to root for in diehard fashion every week. He selects random players for extremely unconventional reasons and then puts his full support behind a different one each week with only mild to all-consuming bi-polar side effects. Not one to take the act of watching other people play sports lightly, he even goes so far as to come up with new-and-improved token 'game spectating enhancement' traditions and rituals...although most end up being merely variations of the same thinly-veiled recipe for consuming mass quantities of alcohol and food during the specific time frame while deftly out-foxing crowd and line logistics. Beyond that he could use the random assortment of acquired team mascots for allegorical political commentary that week. Like "Better Know a District" but "Better Know a Random Sports Team's Political Euphemism Fairytale". An exercise in 'passionate random association' if you will.
Ceiling Cat Reality Intervention - It seems Ceiling Cat has now taken up ghost-like residence in the Colbert Report/Comedy Central studios and is reaking comedic havoc using virtually all forms of technology available. From the teleprompters to on-screen graphics, applause signs, and Colbert's producer-linked earpiece, the signs are everywhere, but usually only noticed after-the-fact several moments into a piece when we suddenly hear Ceiling Cat breakout into Bart Simpson-like prank call laughter or Colbert notices the obvious 'lolspeak' spelling typos on the teleprompter. Colbert becomes confused because it's increasingly hard to tell if what he's reading is real news or just a Ceiling Cat joke version, and additionally more confused because he also just started an "0 hai! - peas sey dis fawr mi" segment using lolcat pics in response to news items, buh ceelin kat sez he wuz runnin uh dwil dat vury same day... Translation: "Oh hey, please say this for me." and "...but Ceiling Cat says he was running a drill that very same day..."
Grocery Store Savings Club RFID-chip Super-deep Discount Pricing - Are you willing to get chipped in exchange for saving an additional 50% over our already-low everyday discount pricing? Remote social experiment setup potential.
Pet Personality Enhancement Accessories - For all those people that aren't celebrity-grade hilarious icons of American entertainment, now their pets can be for them. Where pet fashion meets technology and laughs like crazy. "0 hai-los" A hypothetcial line of cell phone remotely-controlled pet collars that allow your pet to respond to you using Stephen's pre-recorded voice and quips. Not only that, to make sure no one misuses the power of such globally-redefining technology, the NSA has joined with PETA to voluntarily keep a log of all communication made with your pet, and with the additional RFID-based accessories and upgrades, all the communications your pet makes in response. Other star options and an entire world of linked and unlinked designs and accessories are also easily possible.
Which f7cking America do you live in? - Now every time highly-questionable quotes popup from random figures in the media, Colbert can watch them quietly and intently as if processing all the information being presented while putting the pieces together into a logical picture of something he understands - which elicits the same response every time - "Which f7cking America do you live in?"
Colbert Puppeteer Spoiler Alert - Show all "questionable" pundit clips in a cardboard box graphic frame with puppet strings held by the CEOs of each respective umbrella corporation. Decorate as-desired like *Truman's box/castle. Add quotes from the annual stockholder/corporate performance reports scrolled across the bottom of the screen in-sync with their narrative, for literal 'performance design-based' reference. InfoGraphics with a smirk if you will. *Truman is a puppet-like tiger character I dreamt up and fleshed-out to the point he/it almost needs a show of his own. However at the moment there is only one raw 5 minute video sketch of his existence on my blog at DamnNearGeni.us It speaks for itself, but, like this writing sample, only shows a random and small fraction of the entire 'make-believe empire'. What has Colbert, cats, and similarly-sized boxes without the extra FB link first? http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/313483/june-22-2010/usa-board-of-ophthalmological-freedom
Overly Dramatic Exits...to Commercial Breaks - Stephen learns from a "daytime" writer he is supposed to be "building suspense" going into commercial breaks to retain audience interest. Although pretty sure this only applies to shows with "non-all-ecompassing-God-like-presence", he decides to give it a shot anyway. In this attempt, rather than just end segments where and how he would normally, he starts throwing-in absurd twists and cliffhangers - - - that always just turn out to be nightmares or a dreams on the other side of the commercial break. Stephen adapts to this new high-suspense style almost too quickly and is gets dangerously good at it...until finding out he literally had zer0 problem with commercial break audience retention in the first place. When he then realizes his additional 'shock and awe-like' false suspense-adding tactics might just be annoying his already-loyal audience, he decides to make the best of it by using his newfound 'DNG-style' (Dramatic Nonsense-Generating) to sarcastically try and acquire previously untouched audiences be they from TMZ, Showbiz Tonight, The View, whatever. With his new, experimental, high-suspense, 'dumbed-down' but 'fluffed-up' writing format (that week or two), he goes on an all-out media blitz for no reason except to get in the news just to get in the news while his show is temporarily-formatted in a way 'even the small people should appreciate'. Multiple other tie-ins.
Colbert's Clear, Intentional, Professional, Self-retardation Initiative - Colbert has received the disturbing news his audience is above-average in intelligence and education. This brings him to the unsettling realization his entire show, platform, and possibly very existence itself is relatively condescending by default and thereby politically incorrect from the start. Accordingly, not one to play by a different set of rules, he must somehow adjust the content of his show closer to the 'median' American demographic to try and adapt to the 'pretend/hypothetical' scenario he assumes most other audience-rating-based television show writers face while aiming for 'that fat part' of the America target demographic. (shown as a bell curve generated by following the contour of an extremely fat person lying on their back...but with the chart axes titled in "I.Q." v. "Population") Poor Stephen starts trying to 'dumb down' his show any way he can from talking slower to just adding half-naked models and shiny things at random. Results vary. Can you hear me now ? ? ? In becoming increasingly frustrated trying to employ techniques that seem to only work on the rest of the huddled masses at the expense of his art, as an alternative he eventually opts to start simply explaining how the show and entire industry works as if to a child. ...using fairytale-like allegories to describe an advertiser-fueled business-centric religion that worships ratings as it gloriously sacrifices the human condition. And they all spent their top-ratings-earned fortunes happily ever after...
Existing Segment Examples
Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
Preemptive Retroactive Possibly Redundant Plan B++ - Allow me to introduce the latest in Prescott Pharmaceutical’s perfectly fine line of pregnancy prevention slightly post-prophylactic products - the Plan B++- Pill. "Because it’s better to avoid destroying several lives at once later than not at all." The same as the Plan B pill, but with a whole lot more scary and sincere advertising. Like Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston in a high school time machine that could see into the future before they ever fell in whatever that was... "Plan B ++- Better than being fathered by a horny teenage douchebag turned national embarrassment gracing the cover of Playgirl right out of the Alaskan wilderness from which he cameth onto our sacred American national political stage." (at the end of the segment insert the shot of Palin’s daughter licking her hand and combing an imaginary baby’s hair or a recreation of Stephen having a female assistant comb his) Possibly tie it in with a cross promotion for his Prescott Pharmaceutical's 'Special Edition Man Seed' available only to post 30-year-old, stable, career-oriented, psychiatrist-evaluated women and his 'Prescott Pharmaceutical's Magic Night Pro Tem Teen Sterilization Vacation Packages'.
The Craziest F7cking Shit I Ever Heard?
Suing the Gold Man Sacks Off America’s Collective Forehead
Difference Makers
The Token Unretouchables In light of Hollywood and the “mainstream media’s” continued obsession with fake beauty and the real money and fake friends it can acquire, Stephen has decided to take a stand and give credit where credit is due to that handful of celebrity stalwarts willing to go naked, without make-up and unretouched, in front of their adoring audiences. Stephen then breaks down all the pros and cons of the recent ‘rash’ of honesty caused by Jessica Simpson, Britney, and even Kim Kardashian posing in attention-getting far-more-honest-and-natural-than-usual-but-still-ultimately-fake-as-hell-in-motive magazine spreads. Stephen does his part by having the segment hosted by three ‘all-natural’ supermodels…or at least as much as he can show of them and still remain on cable.
"Necessity is the mother of invention, hey, don't suppose anyone has a non-dysfunctional government handy? - that was the Colbert Report!"
And the List Goes On...
I have hundreds of them. Practically an entire few shows worth. What I seek is a directly collaborative position amongst a team of like-minded and/or mentor-like colleagues/teachers.
THANK U4 your consideration.
Colbert Limited Editions
The Colbert Reporthouse Edition - "F7ck hope. We need a plan." Never one to let a good crisis go to waste, Colbert has pounced on the opportunity to exploit the economic collapse to the full extent of the public's sanity. Despite record-setting profits, a page has been taken out of CNN's book and the entire state-of-the-art set is suddenly replaced with late 1990's grade CRT-monitor technology in conspicuous wooden cabinetry. Not realizing he synchronized his feigned goodwill-acquiring poverty just slightly out of phase with the actual real-world financial collapse (CNN has now re-upgraded), he decides to run with it anyway. During the time spent 'in that world' he adopts an entirely different 'Great Depression survivor' character with random stories about walking uphill both ways to everywhere and being forced to eat handfuls of wooden nickels he had accepted in payment for his entertainment and medicinal tonic sales on the boardwalk in between reminiscing about the "good ole days" of the roaring 20's before subprime mortgages existed. This option also brings up the opportunity to amusingly show 'grandfathered-in' turn-of-the-century Prescott Medical Serpent Oil Solutions for everything from PMS to 'battles with demon-like possession'. Stories of snipe hunting and witchcraft optional. "Why? Because it ain't illegal yet."
The Colbert Repenthouse Edition - "F7cking peasants and their cheap-assed sets." Either preceding or following the aforementioned 'poor house' edition, Colbert's worldview over-compensates by doing a complete 180 and basing his entire worth around material objects and branding. He pays way too much for everything then brags about how he pays too much to stimulate the economy. In a nod to CNN's semi-secret news set downgrade-then-upgrade during the recession, Colbert's state-of-the-art set suddenly returns with new and even more possibly needless but cool upgrades. Additionally his sense of worth now relies on the multi-million dollar advertising campaigns of all his name brand psychological materialist armor. If their branding takes a hit, so does he. During this phase, anytime the news or conversation on his show turns to something he doesn't particularly care for, he simply, immediately, and blatantly turns the conversation to his manifestations of material luxury. At the conclusion of an acceptable amount of use from this set, Stephen comes to the very frustrating realization that his happiness index seems to peak-out at "God's gift to television punditry". All the excess was pointless it seems. The set upgrades can then be 'spun off'' and/or removed to be reused or auctioned for charity/history. With the set gone the associated behaviors immediately wear off, though Stephen boldly defends his temporary 'arguably-too-rich' behavioral phase as 'investment class' work on his part. "Only one helicopter!??? What the f7ck?"
Random Possible Segment/Recurring Throwback Additions
Jesus Christ! Moments - Stories of encounters with reality that make one literally go "Jesus Christ!" or "Jesus F7cking Christ!" The degree of 'surprise' required to trigger that response varies, but is a real-life, real-time 'manifestation' of "Jesus Christ" literally out of nowhere. This segment is designed to establish and document a 'real-world' baseline of exactly when, why, and how people use that expression to draw attention to various events, and in doing so, create a new 'reality-based' lexicon of just where Jesus truly exists (or apparently might need to). Possibly an interactive TV audience piece. Viewers could be invited to take note of their 'real-world' crossings with that specific response to environmental stimuli (pricing, news, etc.) and have select ones re-created in sarcastic fashion. (like in the existing Colbert segment "Nailed 'em") Going a step further, 'social experiments' attempting to elicit such responses could be conducted 'in the field'. Specific further elaboration of hypothetical scenarios available upon request. Additionally have 'Oh my God!' and 'What the f7ck?' competitions.
The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?
Shoe Me - Colbert, having realized his existence is iconic enough to add value to clothing items merely by wearing them, now begins wearing a different pair of shoes to each remote city or location he broadcasts from. Mocking the stereotypical materialistic American woman's obsession with shoes, he begins a secret collection of these production-purchased-for-self souvenirs to one day be auctioned off for charity or what have you. The only side effect is he suddenly becomes conspicuously obsessed with what type of shoes figures in the news he is reporting on are wearing above and beyond what they are actually doing to be in the news.
Why the f7ck is this news again? - While trying to figure out the genesis of why some "real" news items are included with randomly mixed-in "fluffer" entertainment news, Colbert begins coming up with all kinds of advertising-dollar-based explanations of how completely unrelated news items are put next to each other. Involving wild and outrageous conspiracies with everything from TMZ to witchcraft, he always ends up tying them together in some insanely far-reaching and ridiculous way, but ultimately never quite finds the true answer to that initial question "Why the f7ck is this news again?"
Sports-related Temper Tantrum Challenge - Originally inspired by memories of my father throwing golf clubs following erroneous shots much to the amusement of all parties involved, this initially began as a 'Sports Equipment-tossing Top 7 List' but has now evolved to include 'any athlete attempting to make the Colbert Report merely by camera-worthy over-the-top expression of their passionate frustration'. In this design it essentially becomes a free-for-all excuse for people to submit clips from across the board, amateur to pro, golf to basketball - as long as the principle actor is setting a highly-questionable but hilarious-to-watch example. Colbert then references these clips to describe his internalized emotion in regard to other normal political news while simultaneously giving smartassed athletes a new and possibly legitimate humorous excuse for their "passionate outbursts". "The silver lining? At least I made the Colbert Report."
Diehard Vicarious-Performance-Based-Adrenaline-Rush Revolving Token Super Fan - Although not blessed with the free time to become remotely concerned with sports at the moment, Colbert has seen the immense fun others seem to be having with their 'fandom' from a distance and decides to attempt a Michael Jordan free-throw-line-launch onto that fan bandwagon of local-team-based crazy good times and drunkenness. Having a pre-existing completely neutral team affiliation complex, Colbert uses this to his advantage by merely adopting a different team to root for in diehard fashion every week. He selects random players for extremely unconventional reasons and then puts his full support behind a different one each week with only mild to all-consuming bi-polar side effects. Not one to take the act of watching other people play sports lightly, he even goes so far as to come up with new-and-improved token 'game spectating enhancement' traditions and rituals...although most end up being merely variations of the same thinly-veiled recipe for consuming mass quantities of alcohol and food during the specific time frame while deftly out-foxing crowd and line logistics. Beyond that he could use the random assortment of acquired team mascots for allegorical political commentary that week. Like "Better Know a District" but "Better Know a Random Sports Team's Political Euphemism Fairytale". An exercise in 'passionate random association' if you will.
Ceiling Cat Reality Intervention - It seems Ceiling Cat has now taken up ghost-like residence in the Colbert Report/Comedy Central studios and is reaking comedic havoc using virtually all forms of technology available. From the teleprompters to on-screen graphics, applause signs, and Colbert's producer-linked earpiece, the signs are everywhere, but usually only noticed after-the-fact several moments into a piece when we suddenly hear Ceiling Cat breakout into Bart Simpson-like prank call laughter or Colbert notices the obvious 'lolspeak' spelling typos on the teleprompter. Colbert becomes confused because it's increasingly hard to tell if what he's reading is real news or just a Ceiling Cat joke version, and additionally more confused because he also just started an "0 hai! - peas sey dis fawr mi" segment using lolcat pics in response to news items, buh ceelin kat sez he wuz runnin uh dwil dat vury same day... Translation: "Oh hey, please say this for me." and "...but Ceiling Cat says he was running a drill that very same day..."
Grocery Store Savings Club RFID-chip Super-deep Discount Pricing - Are you willing to get chipped in exchange for saving an additional 50% over our already-low everyday discount pricing? Remote social experiment setup potential.
Pet Personality Enhancement Accessories - For all those people that aren't celebrity-grade hilarious icons of American entertainment, now their pets can be for them. Where pet fashion meets technology and laughs like crazy. "0 hai-los" A hypothetcial line of cell phone remotely-controlled pet collars that allow your pet to respond to you using Stephen's pre-recorded voice and quips. Not only that, to make sure no one misuses the power of such globally-redefining technology, the NSA has joined with PETA to voluntarily keep a log of all communication made with your pet, and with the additional RFID-based accessories and upgrades, all the communications your pet makes in response. Other star options and an entire world of linked and unlinked designs and accessories are also easily possible.
Which f7cking America do you live in? - Now every time highly-questionable quotes popup from random figures in the media, Colbert can watch them quietly and intently as if processing all the information being presented while putting the pieces together into a logical picture of something he understands - which elicits the same response every time - "Which f7cking America do you live in?"
Colbert Puppeteer Spoiler Alert - Show all "questionable" pundit clips in a cardboard box graphic frame with puppet strings held by the CEOs of each respective umbrella corporation. Decorate as-desired like *Truman's box/castle. Add quotes from the annual stockholder/corporate performance reports scrolled across the bottom of the screen in-sync with their narrative, for literal 'performance design-based' reference. InfoGraphics with a smirk if you will. *Truman is a puppet-like tiger character I dreamt up and fleshed-out to the point he/it almost needs a show of his own. However at the moment there is only one raw 5 minute video sketch of his existence on my blog at DamnNearGeni.us It speaks for itself, but, like this writing sample, only shows a random and small fraction of the entire 'make-believe empire'. What has Colbert, cats, and similarly-sized boxes without the extra FB link first? http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/313483/june-22-2010/usa-board-of-ophthalmological-freedom
Overly Dramatic Exits...to Commercial Breaks - Stephen learns from a "daytime" writer he is supposed to be "building suspense" going into commercial breaks to retain audience interest. Although pretty sure this only applies to shows with "non-all-ecompassing-God-like-presence", he decides to give it a shot anyway. In this attempt, rather than just end segments where and how he would normally, he starts throwing-in absurd twists and cliffhangers - - - that always just turn out to be nightmares or a dreams on the other side of the commercial break. Stephen adapts to this new high-suspense style almost too quickly and is gets dangerously good at it...until finding out he literally had zer0 problem with commercial break audience retention in the first place. When he then realizes his additional 'shock and awe-like' false suspense-adding tactics might just be annoying his already-loyal audience, he decides to make the best of it by using his newfound 'DNG-style' (Dramatic Nonsense-Generating) to sarcastically try and acquire previously untouched audiences be they from TMZ, Showbiz Tonight, The View, whatever. With his new, experimental, high-suspense, 'dumbed-down' but 'fluffed-up' writing format (that week or two), he goes on an all-out media blitz for no reason except to get in the news just to get in the news while his show is temporarily-formatted in a way 'even the small people should appreciate'. Multiple other tie-ins.
Colbert's Clear, Intentional, Professional, Self-retardation Initiative - Colbert has received the disturbing news his audience is above-average in intelligence and education. This brings him to the unsettling realization his entire show, platform, and possibly very existence itself is relatively condescending by default and thereby politically incorrect from the start. Accordingly, not one to play by a different set of rules, he must somehow adjust the content of his show closer to the 'median' American demographic to try and adapt to the 'pretend/hypothetical' scenario he assumes most other audience-rating-based television show writers face while aiming for 'that fat part' of the America target demographic. (shown as a bell curve generated by following the contour of an extremely fat person lying on their back...but with the chart axes titled in "I.Q." v. "Population") Poor Stephen starts trying to 'dumb down' his show any way he can from talking slower to just adding half-naked models and shiny things at random. Results vary. Can you hear me now ? ? ? In becoming increasingly frustrated trying to employ techniques that seem to only work on the rest of the huddled masses at the expense of his art, as an alternative he eventually opts to start simply explaining how the show and entire industry works as if to a child. ...using fairytale-like allegories to describe an advertiser-fueled business-centric religion that worships ratings as it gloriously sacrifices the human condition. And they all spent their top-ratings-earned fortunes happily ever after...
Existing Segment Examples
Cheating Death With Dr. Stephen T. Colbert D.F.A.
Preemptive Retroactive Possibly Redundant Plan B++ - Allow me to introduce the latest in Prescott Pharmaceutical’s perfectly fine line of pregnancy prevention slightly post-prophylactic products - the Plan B++- Pill. "Because it’s better to avoid destroying several lives at once later than not at all." The same as the Plan B pill, but with a whole lot more scary and sincere advertising. Like Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston in a high school time machine that could see into the future before they ever fell in whatever that was... "Plan B ++- Better than being fathered by a horny teenage douchebag turned national embarrassment gracing the cover of Playgirl right out of the Alaskan wilderness from which he cameth onto our sacred American national political stage." (at the end of the segment insert the shot of Palin’s daughter licking her hand and combing an imaginary baby’s hair or a recreation of Stephen having a female assistant comb his) Possibly tie it in with a cross promotion for his Prescott Pharmaceutical's 'Special Edition Man Seed' available only to post 30-year-old, stable, career-oriented, psychiatrist-evaluated women and his 'Prescott Pharmaceutical's Magic Night Pro Tem Teen Sterilization Vacation Packages'.
The Craziest F7cking Shit I Ever Heard?
Suing the Gold Man Sacks Off America’s Collective Forehead
Difference Makers
The Token Unretouchables In light of Hollywood and the “mainstream media’s” continued obsession with fake beauty and the real money and fake friends it can acquire, Stephen has decided to take a stand and give credit where credit is due to that handful of celebrity stalwarts willing to go naked, without make-up and unretouched, in front of their adoring audiences. Stephen then breaks down all the pros and cons of the recent ‘rash’ of honesty caused by Jessica Simpson, Britney, and even Kim Kardashian posing in attention-getting far-more-honest-and-natural-than-usual-but-still-ultimately-fake-as-hell-in-motive magazine spreads. Stephen does his part by having the segment hosted by three ‘all-natural’ supermodels…or at least as much as he can show of them and still remain on cable.
"Necessity is the mother of invention, hey, don't suppose anyone has a non-dysfunctional government handy? - that was the Colbert Report!"
And the List Goes On...
I have hundreds of them. Practically an entire few shows worth. What I seek is a directly collaborative position amongst a team of like-minded and/or mentor-like colleagues/teachers.
THANK U4 your consideration.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
The Real-time Colbert Reportfolio - Mullet Jihad '10
The whole thing? Yeah right. Like such a thing exists. But what does exist is my A.D.D., random association, and ability to apparently write what I could delusionally try to sell as apex-grade political satire based on one thought from one tweet? Sure. Why not.
So it all began this morning when I was sidetracked by my Twitter stream as usual. The Alyona Show posted a link about some men's hairstyles that had been banned in Iran but the link in the tweet wasn't actually linked to that story. I quickly gave up (not being all-that-concerned about the story enough to hunt it down in depth) but noticed @anniecolbert tweeted that Iran had banned mullets causing 'Achy Breaky Heart' to get stuck in her head, and apparently that was all I needed to spark my political satire writing practice for today.
First, that story reminded me of this specific entry from the portfolio I wrote several weeks ago:
The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?
(facepalm)
And from that I decided I needed some practice writing a monologue from scratch...
So, I did. Here it is. Unrewritten. Unretouched. Highly questionable as usual.
I would like to pre-apologize to Disney for bringing Miley and the Mickey Mouse ears and cardboard cutouts into it...but I think I was trying to make a point that reflects on American mainstream role modeling in the grand (OMG Lilo is getting 90 days just for being like her friends?) scheme of things.
Love you Disney!!! X0X0X0X
- A -
-------
Colbert Miraculous Recovery
-------
Hello Nation!
Glad to be back. Glad to be back.
Now you may have noticed that just yesterday I was bathrobe, slippers, and na-naw’ blanket-bound sick and contagious in ways that had me forgetting to put the Gatorade logo on the plastic cup along with conspicuously mentioning their name.
So here. Let me take care of that real quick.
(Pulls out an orange lighting bolt decal and affixes to his cup and takes a sip.)
I know. I know. They are using the G now or whatever - but I’m old school.
Gatorade - ride the lightning! The electrolytning!
(studio lights flash and thunder rumbles underscoring Colbert’s improvised product tagline in storm-like fashion)
They can just give me creative credit for making that up whenever.
You’re welcome.
Now that we got that out of the way...
Nation! There is terrible news in global politics to report.
Yes, those crazy Iranians be are it again, but this time they might be onto something.
No, I’m not talking about that one time at band camp when they sent around the prank email comparing the wearing of berkas to the failures of America’s war on drugs policy.
That was a fluke.
Sex only acts like a drug when it is seen by the mind as a drug.
That's what Hugh Grant told me.
Then again I'm not 100% I trust his judgment.
To put Devine Brown in the same world as Elizabeth Hurley is what you call a terrorist act if not crime against humanity in my book.
But who am I to judge?
Now, just prior to that tangent I was about to discuss those crafty Persian Cats hanging out in the sandbox and their recently announced Holy war on mullets.
Yes, I said Holy war on mullets!
(The random mesmerizing beautiful girl from a few months ago walks across the stage in front of Stephen. Colbert completely ignores the graphic and the entire show stops while his gaze follows her all the way across the stage. When she is out of his sight he suddenly snaps back.)
Whew!
(Shaking his head as if waking up or shaking a curse.)
Sorry nation. I apologize. I have no idea what just came over me.
Where was I?
Jimmy! Can you go find her and have her walk across the stage again and then make sure that doesn’t happen again?
We’re trying to do a show here.
So nation, blah, blah, blah those crazy f7cking Iranians and their primitive solutions to being human have now decided simply outlawing that Universal symbol of sexiness that is the mullet is the best solution to increasing pressure from the White House regarding the question marks behind their nuclear program.
Oh, sure, blame Billy Ray.
Brilliant!
Like he's the one to answer for Miley’s supple underage gluteus maximus rubbing on some gay dude at a party.
I mean really Iran?
The mullet?
You're going to take out your pent up American "the great satan" global imperialist nuclear restriction frustrations on the mullet?
If that's to blame why not go ahead and attack the New Kids on the Block for making rat tails cool in the late 80's and early 90's and ban them too?
Do your research first. They make mullets look high-class.
Oh. They banned those too?
Well... Good.
I guess that's what I get for writing this entire missive only having read a second hand tweet that condensed whatever policies the Iranian government has designed for men’s hair styling down to that one line about outlawing the mullet.
But we're already halfway there, so...
You think banning the mullet is going to solve the problems the mullet is merely a symbol of?
Which came first - the mullet or getting famous via peopleofwalmart.com?
Wrong. No breeding licenses.
No breeding licenses. That's what came first.
Just something to think about. I'm not making this sh7t up. It's a historical fact.
Besides, if sex is the problem in light of larger cultural concerns, is it really time to start taking authoritative hairstyle advice from tribunals of men whose choice 7 days out of the week when not in the shower or pool is: towel?
Although I will give them points for authoritarian administration of authority.
Between this and that convenient Twitter outage a few months ago during that whole little revolution thing you can tell they definitely have their theocratic stormtroopers lined up.
How did that whole revolution thing turn out anyway?
Sorry, I totally got distracted and forgot when Tiger Woods crashed into Elin's 9 iron then into that tree.
How'd that turn out?
No. I meant Iran.
Well, they're obviously still there right?
Just without mullets?
Hey, they might have a point. Just because something exudes sexiness in its very existence to the point it becomes a drug-like curse on humanity is no reason to ban or cover it up.
Two words: Sterile ization
At least until we get them past Bristol Palin territory.
(Sexy girl walks back across the stage in front of Stephen completely covered in a berka. Stephen is not impressed whatsoever and looks at the cousin It stand-in with utter contempt it would have the audacity to interrupt his multiple-award-winning show.)
What the f7ck was that?
Jimmy! Don’t we have security here?
Can anyone or anything just get up and walk across the stage or what?
What the f7ck is this? Jerry Seinfeld's skybox?
Oh. That was THAT?
No wonder we have reason to be concerned about veils and the nuclear power they conceal.
You’re right Iran.
Good call. F7ck the mullets.
Not that I realized Iranian mullets were a problem to need addressing in the first place.
Hmmm... They might just have been hidden under the towels.
(Colbert reaches back to undo a rubber band that had been holding his mullet into a thin ponytail out of the camera’s sight and runs his fingers through the hair.)
We’ll be right back!
(Zoom out to reveal girl wearing the berka now with Mickey Mouse ears dancing provocatively Miley Cyrus-style on/against life-size cardboard cut-outs of Elton John, Perez Hilton, Liberace, and Adam Lambert to her daddy, Billy Ray’s, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’)
-------
I'll give it a 7. :/
So it all began this morning when I was sidetracked by my Twitter stream as usual. The Alyona Show posted a link about some men's hairstyles that had been banned in Iran but the link in the tweet wasn't actually linked to that story. I quickly gave up (not being all-that-concerned about the story enough to hunt it down in depth) but noticed @anniecolbert tweeted that Iran had banned mullets causing 'Achy Breaky Heart' to get stuck in her head, and apparently that was all I needed to spark my political satire writing practice for today.
First, that story reminded me of this specific entry from the portfolio I wrote several weeks ago:
The Blank Book - A follow-up to I am America and So Can You, Colbert is contemplating biting the proverbial bullet and chopping the proverbial mullet by taking on the ultimate challenge - writing I am the People of Wal-mart...and What the F7ck is Really Goin on Ya'll? along with possible follow-ups - Where'd you get that?, Where'd you learn that?, I Don't Think Them Are Shorts You're Wearing as Shorts, Put it on Layaway, Exactly Why and How this Exceptionally-well-educated Democracy Could Never be...Whoops!...Financial Collapse and Why are You so Angry?
(facepalm)
And from that I decided I needed some practice writing a monologue from scratch...
So, I did. Here it is. Unrewritten. Unretouched. Highly questionable as usual.
I would like to pre-apologize to Disney for bringing Miley and the Mickey Mouse ears and cardboard cutouts into it...but I think I was trying to make a point that reflects on American mainstream role modeling in the grand (OMG Lilo is getting 90 days just for being like her friends?) scheme of things.
Love you Disney!!! X0X0X0X
- A -
-------
Colbert Miraculous Recovery
-------
Hello Nation!
Glad to be back. Glad to be back.
Now you may have noticed that just yesterday I was bathrobe, slippers, and na-naw’ blanket-bound sick and contagious in ways that had me forgetting to put the Gatorade logo on the plastic cup along with conspicuously mentioning their name.
So here. Let me take care of that real quick.
(Pulls out an orange lighting bolt decal and affixes to his cup and takes a sip.)
I know. I know. They are using the G now or whatever - but I’m old school.
Gatorade - ride the lightning! The electrolytning!
(studio lights flash and thunder rumbles underscoring Colbert’s improvised product tagline in storm-like fashion)
They can just give me creative credit for making that up whenever.
You’re welcome.
Now that we got that out of the way...
Nation! There is terrible news in global politics to report.
Yes, those crazy Iranians be are it again, but this time they might be onto something.
No, I’m not talking about that one time at band camp when they sent around the prank email comparing the wearing of berkas to the failures of America’s war on drugs policy.
That was a fluke.
Sex only acts like a drug when it is seen by the mind as a drug.
That's what Hugh Grant told me.
Then again I'm not 100% I trust his judgment.
To put Devine Brown in the same world as Elizabeth Hurley is what you call a terrorist act if not crime against humanity in my book.
But who am I to judge?
Now, just prior to that tangent I was about to discuss those crafty Persian Cats hanging out in the sandbox and their recently announced Holy war on mullets.
Yes, I said Holy war on mullets!
(The random mesmerizing beautiful girl from a few months ago walks across the stage in front of Stephen. Colbert completely ignores the graphic and the entire show stops while his gaze follows her all the way across the stage. When she is out of his sight he suddenly snaps back.)
Whew!
(Shaking his head as if waking up or shaking a curse.)
Sorry nation. I apologize. I have no idea what just came over me.
Where was I?
Jimmy! Can you go find her and have her walk across the stage again and then make sure that doesn’t happen again?
We’re trying to do a show here.
So nation, blah, blah, blah those crazy f7cking Iranians and their primitive solutions to being human have now decided simply outlawing that Universal symbol of sexiness that is the mullet is the best solution to increasing pressure from the White House regarding the question marks behind their nuclear program.
Oh, sure, blame Billy Ray.
Brilliant!
Like he's the one to answer for Miley’s supple underage gluteus maximus rubbing on some gay dude at a party.
I mean really Iran?
The mullet?
You're going to take out your pent up American "the great satan" global imperialist nuclear restriction frustrations on the mullet?
If that's to blame why not go ahead and attack the New Kids on the Block for making rat tails cool in the late 80's and early 90's and ban them too?
Do your research first. They make mullets look high-class.
Oh. They banned those too?
Well... Good.
I guess that's what I get for writing this entire missive only having read a second hand tweet that condensed whatever policies the Iranian government has designed for men’s hair styling down to that one line about outlawing the mullet.
But we're already halfway there, so...
You think banning the mullet is going to solve the problems the mullet is merely a symbol of?
Which came first - the mullet or getting famous via peopleofwalmart.com?
Wrong. No breeding licenses.
No breeding licenses. That's what came first.
Just something to think about. I'm not making this sh7t up. It's a historical fact.
Besides, if sex is the problem in light of larger cultural concerns, is it really time to start taking authoritative hairstyle advice from tribunals of men whose choice 7 days out of the week when not in the shower or pool is: towel?
Although I will give them points for authoritarian administration of authority.
Between this and that convenient Twitter outage a few months ago during that whole little revolution thing you can tell they definitely have their theocratic stormtroopers lined up.
How did that whole revolution thing turn out anyway?
Sorry, I totally got distracted and forgot when Tiger Woods crashed into Elin's 9 iron then into that tree.
How'd that turn out?
No. I meant Iran.
Well, they're obviously still there right?
Just without mullets?
Hey, they might have a point. Just because something exudes sexiness in its very existence to the point it becomes a drug-like curse on humanity is no reason to ban or cover it up.
Two words: Sterile ization
At least until we get them past Bristol Palin territory.
(Sexy girl walks back across the stage in front of Stephen completely covered in a berka. Stephen is not impressed whatsoever and looks at the cousin It stand-in with utter contempt it would have the audacity to interrupt his multiple-award-winning show.)
What the f7ck was that?
Jimmy! Don’t we have security here?
Can anyone or anything just get up and walk across the stage or what?
What the f7ck is this? Jerry Seinfeld's skybox?
Oh. That was THAT?
No wonder we have reason to be concerned about veils and the nuclear power they conceal.
You’re right Iran.
Good call. F7ck the mullets.
Not that I realized Iranian mullets were a problem to need addressing in the first place.
Hmmm... They might just have been hidden under the towels.
(Colbert reaches back to undo a rubber band that had been holding his mullet into a thin ponytail out of the camera’s sight and runs his fingers through the hair.)
We’ll be right back!
(Zoom out to reveal girl wearing the berka now with Mickey Mouse ears dancing provocatively Miley Cyrus-style on/against life-size cardboard cut-outs of Elton John, Perez Hilton, Liberace, and Adam Lambert to her daddy, Billy Ray’s, ‘Achy Breaky Heart’)
-------
I'll give it a 7. :/
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Miss Me Yet?
Oooh the suspense and mystery...
But why in a town of 7,000 in WYoming?
Doesn't matter 'cause it made the *national news* in the names of comedy and that is worth the $100 or so it costs...right?
Sorry. Haven't made any blog posts (despite writing a few more epic interactive chapters on the Facebook) so I randomly figured this would suffice as a place holder.
Take the same ad, except replace his picture with mine and make it say 'Tell your Mom I said Hi!'.
That is all.
Carry on.
;)
- A -
P.S. What is up with the kids at RedEye? For my purposes all the historical associations with Yellow are irrelevant. In my lexicon it only means what I have stated it to mean - comedy and inspirational symbolism to make the best of any situation and focus - which is nothing derogatory towards any blanket stereotypes by any stretch.
P.P.S. And WTF is this? (rolls eyes)
But why in a town of 7,000 in WYoming?
Doesn't matter 'cause it made the *national news* in the names of comedy and that is worth the $100 or so it costs...right?
Sorry. Haven't made any blog posts (despite writing a few more epic interactive chapters on the Facebook) so I randomly figured this would suffice as a place holder.
Take the same ad, except replace his picture with mine and make it say 'Tell your Mom I said Hi!'.
That is all.
Carry on.
;)
- A -
P.S. What is up with the kids at RedEye? For my purposes all the historical associations with Yellow are irrelevant. In my lexicon it only means what I have stated it to mean - comedy and inspirational symbolism to make the best of any situation and focus - which is nothing derogatory towards any blanket stereotypes by any stretch.
P.P.S. And WTF is this? (rolls eyes)
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Awe(and then)some Choir.
Howdy Ya'll!
Have you met the Choir?
The Best F**cking News Team Ever.
Meet the Choir.
Now color-coordinated in wide-screen high-definition.
BOOM.
Love the use of Yellow+ on his new and improved set. :)
Complaints? Understandable on rare occasion.
Send them to the Choir. ;)
But remember, they're the best.
Epic potential.
Love it.
- A -
P.S. i can haz urned cheezburger now?
P.P.S. All I need is a door like Stephen has and I'm golden.
P.P.P.S. Happy Year 10!!! + Thanks for reading/watching!!!
Have you met the Choir?
The Best F**cking News Team Ever.
Meet the Choir.
Now color-coordinated in wide-screen high-definition.
BOOM.
Love the use of Yellow+ on his new and improved set. :)
Complaints? Understandable on rare occasion.
Send them to the Choir. ;)
But remember, they're the best.
Epic potential.
Love it.
- A -
P.S. i can haz urned cheezburger now?
P.P.S. All I need is a door like Stephen has and I'm golden.
P.P.P.S. Happy Year 10!!! + Thanks for reading/watching!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
