For the love of WTF?

There is no God.

Want proof?

Just my simple thought process and experiences of the evening.

So, there I was...

there I was...

there I was...

Bored as hell...sitting at home...pissing away my life avoiding working on my creative assignments to watch TV and prowl the online social networking thing offering feedback and random observations...

F-ing boring right?

Exactly. I suppose if I had a girlfriend to keep me company, I would be content...

But the point of relationships is to find love not just kill time...right?

Eh, it varies I suppose.

Anywho, it is still the ultimate irony that I find myself once again pulled into going to a bar of all places just to get out of the house and meet people in the area. I mean, I would be infinitely happier to be curled up at home in bed with a highly attractive object of my affection...but there I go having these high standards as always.

On the way to the club my mind is filled with this WTF? am I doing feeling, because I really have no desire to be there...but being in Long Beach until I get to the next phase of my career transition, the options are kind of limited...then again, I haven't really been trying that hard to find 'companionship'...completely avoiding it actually, so I suppose this entire scenario makes sense.

On the way to the club all I could think about was updating my MySpace status to say: It is the ultimate irony that all I've wanted is to find 'true love' my entire life, and instead I'm doing this.

WTF?

Yeah, I know. The irony of ironies. And even more so, I write about these Playboy-esque schemes on having multiple girlfriends to theorhetically protect me from one another, but in reality everytime I've been in scenarios most guys can only dream about, I'm still thinking...no...I don't want to do anything that I can't one day tell my future wife about.

Crazy right?

Well, it's just the way my stupid brain thinks. It thinks it knows what it wants, but it just doesn't know where to find it, and according to my father's role model, I have lots of time still remaining in the game. Lots of time.

Will I look back and regret that I wasn't a 'serial dater' or player like everyone else?

Eh, maybe, maybe not.

I still think low mileage and the strength to be emotionally independent and alone is sexy.

Kind of like keeping an exotic sportscar in the garage to preserve its condition even as time passes. It doesn't make it any less valuable, and it should make it more valuable right? It's a little older, but still has really low mileage and only gets better looking and more valuable with age. Sue me.

If I want it in someone else, I have to demonstrate it myself right?

Err...Allen, you see in our society there is a double-standard. You're supposed to chase girls, sleep with as many as you want, and then get the good girl anyway.

Ummm...yeah, but that doesn't seem fair? And what if I don't like easy women and prefer high quality over quantity to the point that I've demonstrated it to the extents that I have?

I want things that other people who don't deserve them can't have.

Well, in that case, fuck it, just be yourself.

Fair enough.

As my dad said "Well son, they all want to fuck you and they all want to marry you." It is a paradox when it comes to that whole respect versus meaningless sex verus love thing, but I can think of worse problems to have or at least much worse hands to be stuck with playing.

So here I am looking for my dreamgirl, or dreamgirl matrix, or just happily playing with the grown ups filling my mind with politics and comedy...and going through the motions of being a social creature...but it still isn't necessarily me. And life still damn sure ain't fair.

Point and case:

So there I was at the club keeping myself totally sober tonight, but there saying hi to the people I know and meeting whatever new kids cross my path. I actually brought a semi-pro videocamera in with me tonight just to get some B-roll footage to possibly edit together a promo video or something, although since I've taken my video editing project in a different direction already, I'm not sure if I'll actually ever get around to it.

So anywho, back to the whole 'there is no God and I've clearly tried too hard to be too much in life for no reason' thing...

There I was saying hi to Ryan, the club manager (I call him the Captain because he's like 6'6" and reminds of a pirate captain), and he introduced me to the two girls that were with him.

Attractive girls, like so many, but what made them interesting and worth noting is their story:

I don't remember their names (sorry), but their claim to fame is that they work at Sunset Tan, apparently the tanning salon in that reality show on E!

Here's a cookie, congratulations on being important, so what's the plan again?

"For the love of Beau"

Come again? For the love of what?

"No, for the love of Beau. See, Beau is our friend, and we want to travel across the country to find him love...wanna come along and film us?"

Ummm...OK. Who, what?

"Well, actually his name is Victor, and we want to travel across the country and find him love and make a show about it. Here, come meet him."

(follow girls through patio to bar)

And there we meet Victor, who is apparently their hair stylist, but he seemed like a nice enough guy.

My only question is, where do I find girls that will do shit like that for me?

I clearly went wrong somewhere.

They actually seemed quite serious about it. While we were there I even hypothesized it in enough detail on how they would approach finding Victor some options for 'love' using MySpace first...and then they could just chart a course and go meet them one at a time or whatever.

Their budget seemed kind of low, but if they are affiliated with a show on a major TV network, then if there is any merit to the idea then they should be able to get sponsors for it.

And here I was just looking for an excuse to go cross-country in a Winnebago recording a documentary about whatever...and this guy has got random chicks excitedly plotting plans to do it for him.

And Victor's plan of it is "he just wants to go across country banging these chicks or whatever".

I quit. Here I've been saving all these people all these years, and trying to find the ultimate career to make the ultimate use of my God-given talents and one and only known shot at life...and I could have just been a hairstylist and apparently been much better off?

(facepalm)

Eh, too late now. lol

Perhaps they meant 'luv'? If you were a girl, and people are selling you 'love', does Victor have the kind of mindset you want to be falling in love with and thinking about marrying?

Guys that love to bang chicks love to bang chicks whether or not you're dating them, so it seems like a recipe for disaster when it comes to feelings like 'love' and fidelity, but I guess that's par for the course in our modern Roman society.

There in lies the paradox. If a girl thought/behaved like that ("I'm going to bang all these guys"), I would say "Don't touch me slut." and leave it at that. So when it comes to women, I don't think or act like that, because if the kind of girls I want thought that same way, I would be disgusted by them. On the otherhand, I have the God-given traits that would make such an approach easily viable, and maybe I've just been trying WAY too hard to be the ultra-good guy and not sleep around.

If you're attractive, you have lots of options. So if you're attractive and you're easy, then what makes you worth anything?

And there is that glaring double-standard that might be easier to accept rather than try and create my own 'brand' of priceless women. Hmmm...

Eh, we all go through phases. I suppose there's always the Ben Franklin model to copy...

Here karma... Here karma... Where's that Ferrari?

Nevermind.

I highly doubt these chicks will actually follow through with their epic vision, but they certainly seemed excited enough about it that it kind of inspired me and reminded me that, by not chosing anything, there is still a whole world of options at my fingertips.

I don't fear failure, I fear success. Success pigeonholes you into whichever direction you found it in. Just like with relationships, I fear commitment to the point that I don't want to even bother wasting my time or their's. Then again, there is always the Paris Hilton model of 'serial dating'...but isn't it just a little weird watching her behavior?

I don't have room to talk? Shit, yeah, but if I had her fame, do you even realize what a badass rolemodel I would try to be? When it comes to having a high-profile public image, it shouldn't be about the person's selfish desires, it should be about the message they are sending to millions. There is a difference. That should be the price of 'celebrity'. I monitor my behavior as if it is under the public microscope constantly and always have, but I guess most people don't think or act that way.

Hmmm...

Well, the footage I got talking to them and me just talking to the camera while walking through the parking lot of the club is probably pretty damn hilarious anyway.

Pseudo-celebrites everywhere!

(faceplam)

Here karma...

lol

'night!

;)

+AES